I did not watch the 2015 Academy Awards. Yes, I have a TV. Yes, I was available Sunday night after about 7 p.m. Instead my husband and I watched The Matrix.
"The first one is great, the second one is not as good as the first and I thought the third one sucked," was his pitch for watching the trilogy. How could I not take the bait?
So, there we sat watching 1999 Keanu Reeves in all his Keanu Reevesness after putting our twin toddlers to bed. I mention my kids because maybe they're the reason I didn't watch the Academy Awards. Having children, especially two at once, depletes your capacity for bullshit. I don't give a shit about some stuff I used to give a shit about - i.e. dramatic friends on Facebook, celebrity gossip, what people think of me, frustrating family members. I got other fish to fry than wonder why Susie Smith wrote: "I am so pissed off" in a recent Facebook status. Keep on fishing Susie Q.
So, we have the Academy Awards. Rich people celebrating themselves - one big circle jerk. They get all gussied up - or not gussied up because they are so hip - and answer mindless, safe questions from smiley, happy reporters and then sit around schoomzing and boozing and being fabulous before we are told who or what was best this year. Then they go and party because why not? The lifestyles of the rich and famous - let's celebrate us!
They love themselves more than we love them. The one thing I can't help but think is they make movies. Movies. Entertainment yet we treat them like gods. Isn't that bizarre? They are strangers. Forever strangers we will never meet and get to know yet we act as if we have a close relationship. Eerie. Do you love Meryl Streep or the roles she played? Who is Meryl Streep anyway? Don't get me started on her and JLo pumping their fists when Patricia Arquette mentioned equality for women. Give me a break. Like it's so hard to be Meryl Streep or JLo or Patricia Arquette. Why don't you take the money you spent on hair, makeup, transportation, etc. for the Oscars and donate it to these women you care so desperately about?
Anyway, I'm not going to lie, some Oscar winning or nominated movies mentioned in news headlines were added to our Netflix list but that's where it ends. I saw "The Grand Budapest Hotel" in the movie theater months ago because my husband wanted to see "Transformers 4" and I needed a reprieve from my children. We got a sitter, he saw robots and boobies and I ate popcorn and candy, drank a soda, and saw anything else. Anything. I would have watched a Kirk Cameron flick if it meant a reprieve. Was "The Grand Budapest Hotel" good? It was weird but OK. I felt like maybe some of the humor was lost on a sleep deprived mother like myself but who knows. Do members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences know? Do you know?
I liked Marilyn Manson's new album, did you? If you didn't, or most likely don't like him or his music, does that mean I don't have good taste in music? What if I think you don't have good taste in music because you didn't like it? What if I watched "Legally Blonde" the other day and enjoyed myself? Am I a rube? I will say the sequel is unwatchable but that's my opinion.
I will leave you with this quote from Neil Patrick Harris who will forever be Dougie Howser to me, who has been in the business of show so long he doesn't know what it's like to be human. After the show he was interviewed about his process for hosting.
"I'm not a big fan of what I call quota comedy where you stand up there and you have to say x number of jokes about each movie and do digs and low brows. For me that just makes the rest of the audience that's not being talked about feel like they're not special and the person you're talking to gets their feelings hurt. So we wanted to make, I wanted to recalibrate the minds of the audience, not only in the room that have gone through the red carpet gauntlet but the people at home who are saying, 'Shush shush shush it's on right now.' To remind people why they're caring about tuning in, why they're caring about making movies."
Recalibrate? Shush shush shush? Worry about celebrities not feeling special? No thank you.
