Public enemy numero uno Jerry Sandusky needs stronger ammo than 'hygiene defense'

Christmas is nipping on our heels and what is my cynical ass blabbering about? Jerry Sandusky of course! Nothing says seasons greetings and happy holidays like talk of alleged pedophiles!
Latest news on Jerry Sandusky (The Man Everybody Loves to Hate): Team Sandusky introduces "hygiene defense." As a proud member of Team Edward, I'd hate to be Team Sandusky ... yuck ...
Anyway, Karl Rominger, an attorney for the former Penn State defense coordinator -- a man facing 50 felony counts of sexual abuse -- argues Sandusky showered with youth, which Sandusky admits, because these boys were so at-risk (how at-risk were they??) they didn't know the ins and outs of proper hygiene, especially showering.
Rominger: "Some of these kids don't have basic hygiene skills. Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 sounds strange to some people, but people who work with troubled youth will tell you there are a lot of juvenile delinquents and people who are dependent who have to be taught basic life skills like how to put soap on their body."

Yeah, it does sound strange because it is strange! I sat through high school health class, where we were taught everything from basic hygiene to how to put on a condom. At-risk or not, it's not like my teacher pulled out his wang and demonstrated proper condom technique! We used bananas not chubs! Duh! Also, unless these youth are absurdly slow-witted or Sandusky has difficulty explaining (which isn't the case since he was a defense coordinator for a major college football team), how hard is it to verbally explain, "You grip the bar of soap in your hand. You hold the bar of soap under the warm running water. You run the bar of soap over your body. Make sure not to miss any areas. Lather. Rinse. Repeat if necessary you dirty birdies!"
Look ma, I did it! No behind-the-back-bear-hugs, no soaping up kids necessary. Hands-free like your Bluetooth!

Listen. I'm not an attorney (obviously), especially not a big swingin' dick who can pull such a high profile client, but you're playing hardball with this excuse? Really? I picture Sandusky's "team" of attorneys squeezed into a room, sitting around a long, shiny wooden table, pouring over hundreds of documents, witness accounts, scouring every detail. Ties loosened, sweat forming at their brows, they burn the midnight oil until one of them perks up. With a fist pump and an over-exaggerated face, he screams, "By Jove, I think I've got it! Hygiene! It's all about hygiene!" Men applaud while others wipe away tears. No wonder I pictured them as chimpanzees.
What boners.
There are charges against Penn State officials who allegedly knew about Sandusky's indiscretions for years. Sandusky was facing 25 felony counts of deviate sexual intercourse, aggravated indecent assault, unlawful contact with a minor, endangering the welfare of a child and indecent assault against at least eight victims over more than a decade before being re-arrested recently on 12 additional counts involving two more victims. That's at least 10 victims with a lot more going on than a few showers!

These charges aren't appearing out of the blue either. There were at least two occasions -- one in 1998, the other in 2002 -- when Sandusky was suspected of sexually abusing minors. 

All this and what's the defense? He was seen showering with minors on those occasions because he was giving private showering demonstrations? Even if that's what he was doing -- which is highly unlikely -- it's inappropriate on all levels. Adults should not shower with children and should not soap up children.
However, there has to be some sort of defense, right? Sandusky's attorneys could keep their money-and-attention-hungry mouths wired shut before trial and have him plead guilty. Hard to do with the U.S. media circus circling, waiting for any hint of scandal so they can scrutinize it nonstop on TV and online to boost ratings, as well as Sandusky's adamant denial of any wrongdoing. If there was one accuser ... maybe ... but with at least 12 accusers coming after you it's unlikely you're innocent.
I'd like to say I could come up with a better defense ... but isn't that what people always say? Men sit at home on their couch shoving chicken wings down their gullets while watching their favorite quarterback throw an interception and what do they mutter? "Oh, if I was out on that field, I would have throw it long. I could play better than that boob! Come on!" Yeah right.
How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains? ... Yeah ... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind.
However, maybe the "hygiene defense" is the best excuse for a long list of heinous crimes. Then again, Sandusky's team doesn't seem to be too bright ... his defense attorney Joseph Amendola jokingly suggested anyone who thinks Sandusky is a child molester should call 1-800-REALITY ... which turned out to be a gay sex line. Oops!

Finding meaning during the holidays -- Christmas, Hanukah, Baby Jesus and Fat Santa

What does Christmas mean to you? Don't you dare answer with some phony-baloney sentimental s- you don't believe but feel obligated to mutter year after year.
Gimme some feeling! What does this annual holiday mean to you? Pull aside the curtain and let me in oh wondrous Wizard of Oz because I know you ain't no wizard, you're a man baby, a man!
Maybe as a Holy Roller your holiday revolves around gratitude for the birth of your Savior, the Son of the Lord, which is the reason for the season! Am I right or am I right? Amen! As a warrior for the Lord, you work to keep Christ in Christmas. You look forward to celebrating the occasion at church, with family and friends, maybe taking part in a live manger scene (I'll be the donkey!) or volunteering to help the less fortunate.
Well ... it depends on what type of Christian you are because there are two:
Type One: Believe loving God and loving your neighbor is the whole enchilada, you are nice to all things great and small, help people when possible (i.e. fork over dough at Christmastime so less fortunate kiddies can have gifts, donate food, volunteer at nursing homes where so many elderly are alone during the holidays -- all because you want to, not because you feel obligated). You're a giver. Sounds all warm and fuzzy, right?
Well (cue suspenseful music!) ... then there's Type Two: Oh ye Holy Roller of Holy Rollers, you hide behind the belief you're a soldier for Jesus and must spread His word like a fungus and look down upon those who disagree. You judge, spread hate, tell everybody how to act, what to say, what to believe ... before retiring home to beat your spouse with the back of your hand like the pimp you are then dialing up that nasty lil' hottie you freak on the side. If you repent it's OK because she makes you feel like a real man, doesn't she? Because you are a real man! A big man!
You're a mean one Mr. Grinch ...
With this mix of people populating Mother Earth, no wonder Jesus' birth and goodwill towards men were replaced with a season of Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales (complete with a shot of pepper spray to the face!), shopping malls filled to compacity with rude and stressed out morons hungry for deals, a fat omnipresent dude in a suit who is helped by tiny men and flying creatures of the night, and don't forget the gimme-gimme-gimme-gimme-gimme snot-nosed kids.
Adults are just as guilty, making it easier for friends and family alike and registering for Christmas gifts -- I ain't lyin! These bratty adults want expensive gifts no one can afford because, let's face it folks, people go further into debt around the holidays! It's like a diet. Give a dieter an excuse and they'll snatch it right out of your hand.
"Oh, I was doing real good on my diet. Real good! But then ... Sally in HR brought leftover cookies and birthday cake to work. That bitch. I can't turn down free food! It was stale but I couldn't resist. And then I went to this Christmas party and it was open bar and hors d'oeuvres. I mean, come on! It would've been rude to not eat anything or drink those five glasses of egg nog."
"Yeah, I'm having money issues but it's the holidays! Next year I'll turn it around and tighten the almighty belt! Until then, iPads for everybody! Hooray! Do you love me now?"
Yeah, right.
So ... maybe Christmas isn't about Jesus to you because, frankly, you don't believe in the dude. He was just a man! Maybe your Christmas is filled with fondness more than meaning.
The feeling you get when watching "A Christmas Story" for the hundredth time and basking in the glow of electric sex gleaming in the window and poor Ralphie going blind from *gasp* soap poisoning! Maybe it's the taste of an annual holiday dish -- or excitement knowing it will magically appear for your gluttonous pleasure! It will be mine, oh yes, it will be mine!
Every Christmas morning my sweet mama made homemade stratta -- a large breakfast casserole with bread, eggs, cheese, sausage, hashbrowns, etc. We waited with muted hatred to open presents until mean-old-granny carted her fat ass over, a woman who couldn't have cared less watching us open presents but made us wait just the same, year after year, even if we woke up, as children often do, at the hairy butt-crack of dawn. My mom made it bearable when the smell of that cheesy, meaty goodness hit our little noses. Mmm mmm good!
Yeah, my granny isn't the I-baked-you-some-cookies-filled-with-love-and-made-cocoa kind. She was the I-ran-out-of-Pall-Malls-and-Jim-Beam-cough-cough-cough ... and that's all you hear before she passes out with a lit cigarette dangling dangerously from her dry, lipstick smeared dry lips. You go to open your apathetically wrapped present from her and find she'd gifted an old hair dryer and gray-hair filled comb from 1968. But that's the holidays! Forced time with family members you love or love to hate and hate to love -- annoying siblings who make it all about them, grannys who literally suck the life out of the room with each drag of their unfiltered cigarette.
"What's that grandma? Am I hungry? Oh no, no thank you. I seem to have lost my appetite."
Anyway, you are fond of tradition. The stockings filled with sweet goodies and probably some damn fruit placed by a well-meaning adult (I don't want no stinkin' oranges!), homemade cookies and delights, the Christmas tree decorated with lights (hopefully in full working order), old ornaments dusted off year after year, broken or not, maybe a string of popcorn you half assed and ate half of ... all the Christmas shit you keep tucked away during the year so you can fill your house with Santas, elves, Christmas plates, nutless nutcrackers, nativity scenes ... You love the consistency of it all, knowing what to except. Well ... that's if there was consistency to your holidays. Maybe the one constant was it always sucked ass or you didn't know what or who to expect.
Maybe you're more into the glitz and glam of Christmas. New outfits for Christmas parties -- hopefully not the dreaded Christmas sweater -- where you get ripped out of your mind off spiked egg nog and jello shooters. Instead of enjoying gift giving to merely see delight on the faces of your friends and family as they rip open the wrapping paper and receive just what they wanted, your excitement lies in the attainment of free shit. You are preoccupied with worry, knowing all your presents will be exactly what you didn't want, obviously picked with no regard, at the last minute or with no significant amount of money spent. For shame! How dare they!
Bah humbug!
Maybe Christmas isn't a good time for you. Maybe it's full of sorrow because your family never had enough money to have the Christmas everyone always wanted. Full of guilt and regret, which poisons the experience. Maybe something bad happened around the holidays in years past or someone you once enjoyed this special occasion with is no longer in the picture ... passed on or moved on. Your joy is tainted with images of what was or should have been.
I wish I could feel something dramatic about Christmas, to be filled with the joy of the holiday, the quintessential Christmas Spirit as the holiday movies and TV commercials suggest. The season of giving, ya know? Filled like a jelly f-ing doughnut!
Interesting that Christmas, a season about giving, gratitude and togetherness, comes at the end of the year, a time when people take stock of the past 12 months and whether or not they were naughty or nice, literally. Santa ain't checking the list, the Lord is and He's pissed!
Christmas comes with too much expectation, too much baggage. We need to slow our roll and chill out, feel what we're feeling, good or bad, happy or sad. Don't try to feel joyous because you're supposed to around this time of year. Feel however you feel and then find out why and work to change! Stop procrastinating -- like shopping or baking -- and get 'er done within your budget so you can enjoy being with family, even the bitches on the tree who suck because they aren't all terrible, there are a few good ones in the mix ... hopefully. Make the best of it because it's your life you're wasting! Time is what life is made of!

Fast & the Furious and money laundering -- The U.S. tries to solve Mexican drug cartel crisis with plots from action movies

While relaxing a few evenings ago, I reclined in my chair, turned on the nightly news and was stupefied by the broadcast. With more seriousness than the Queen Mum, the Talking Head reported the United States is accused of laundering drug cartel money.
Say what? Is this an episode of "Weeds" or we talking about the United States of America, my home sweet home? Should I pinch myself?
We've all heard about the major drug war going on south of the border ... well heard about it from the standpoint of: "oh-that's-awful-luckily-I-live-far-far-far-away-and-can-shake-my-head-in-disgust-from-my-lovely-American-living-room-while-I-think-of-those-nutty-cholos-and-get-hungry-for-Mexican-food-and-a-Corono-with-lime." We've seen pictures of the violence, people hanging on nooses, decapitations, etc.
But this is totally absurd.
First there were reports of the Fast and the Furious -- no, not the movie. I'm talking about the botched operation by the Phoenix office of the ATF where officials encouraged gun shops to sell up to 1,725 assault rifles and other weapons destined for Mexican drug cartels. Why you ask? Isn't it obvious? Use the gun runners to track down ranking members of the drug cartels and other criminal enterprises. Duh. No, of course this doesn't sound like a James Bond film or episode of 24. Of course not ... Did it work? Well some of the guns were used in murders so, not really.
To make a long story short, Fast & the Furious was revealed and of course it was vehemently denied, of course! Finally, Attorney General Eric Holder admitted it was true. This was shocking enough but now it's happened again with this money laundering shit. The federal government is hot to solve this Mexican drug cartel circus so members of the DEA laundered and/or smuggled millions of bucks in drug proceeds. Reasoning: track down those pesky high ranking drug cartel members.
This doesn't sound real, does it? When I heard about this money laundering b.s. the other night my mind raced. Haven't we been told movies aren't real? Those TV shows with cops and private investigators, those aren't real. They sexify it for ratings, so people will watch. Silly rabbit, Jack Bauer isn't going to bust down doors and scream in peoples faces about how time is running out. James Bond isn't going to screw a bunch of hot chicks and sneak around. But the U.S. promoting the sale of guns to drug cartels and laundering their money ... that sounds like a future blockbuster!
What the hell is going on? Yeah, some major drug cartel players have been killed but guess what? No, not chicken butt. You kill one, second in command steps up and so on and so forth. Has the U.S. government become so hopeless they are relying on plots from action movies? From Jack Bauer and James Bond? I don't have any answers but that's why I didn't run for office.

Herman Cain can't hear the fat lady singing "It's Over!"

Everyone's heard of the indiscretions made by Mayor Govn't Cheese (he puts the toppings under the cheese), aka Herman Cain.
Recently news broke that Herman (always reminds me of Herman from the game Guess Who?) had a 13-year affair with Ginger White, which she describes as "very casual." Ah yes, casual sex. Exactly what I want in a president. He put the meat under the cheese and his meat in her cheese! Huzzah!
Even her name is dirty - Ginger. According to reports, he regularly gave her money to help with bills and expenses but, of course, he denies a sexual affair but won't divulge how much he forked over, which obviously means it was a lot of dough. Get it? Dough? Pizza? Huzzah!
We just friends.
His wife, Gloria, didn't know about this "arrangement" but knows now and understands because Herman is "a soft-hearted, giving person." HA! He isn't soft but he sure is giving, giving enough to give her his 12 inch Meat Lovers Supreme! Huzzah!
OK. Enough is enough. Since October, it has been one sexual harassment claim after another. Sharon Bialek and Karen Kraushaar accused Herman of sexually harassing them in the '90s while he was head of the National Restaurant Association (NRA). Two other women also said they were sexually harassed while working at NRA but declined to be identified. So, OK. This new one, this Ginger chick, has got to be the nail in the coffin, the final pepperoni on the pizza, right? Time to pack it in Herman, quit your campaign and find another dream.
What do news reports proclaim today?
Cain to meet with wife amid affair claims, dropping poll numbers
Paging Mr. Herman, paging Mr. Herman, please report to the front desk! Herman commented he was "considering dropping out of the race, but for now was continuing to meet all campaign commitments."
Five women but Herman ain't afraid. He's working to "re-establish" his character and get to the bottom of all these allegations against him.
I send checks to a lot of people. I help a lot of people. That in itself is not proof. So the other allegation in terms of it being a 13-year physical relationship, that is her words against my word.
Can I get a hand-out? But seriously, his word has been tarnished since October. Every woman coming forward, every joke at your expense (and the expense of Herman Cain Jr. -- aka your dingaling, aka the Herman Cain Train, aka Black Walnut, aka Squirmin' Herman), has repeatedly attacked his character.
Earth to Herman. Earth to Herman. Herman, do you read me? No chance in hell will you be the Republican nominee next year. Give it up.
Yeah, talk to Gloria, the same woman who found the sexual harassment claims "unfounded." Do you think American women would get behind a First Lady who won't stand up for herself against a cheating man such as you? What kind of role model would she be for young girls? You can't help but compare her to Michelle Obama, a woman who promotes healthy eating and exercise, a woman with a husband who isn't a serial cheater, who doesn't push the heads of women down over his crouch, who is smart.
As for these women coming forward, we watched the press conference with Sharon Bialek where she revealed Herman was aggressive and sexually inappropriate and, when she sought help to get a new job, "put his hand on (her) leg under (her) skirt and reached for (her) genitals. He also grabbed (her) head and brought it towards his crotch."
Now we have Ginger spilling the beans about their long affair but assuring us "I am not a cold-hearted person. I am a mother of two kids and, of course, my heart bleeds for this woman. I am deeply, deeply sorry if I've caused any hurt to her, to his kids and to his family, that was never my intention."
Um, your heart bleeds for her? That don't make no damn sense lady. Also ... what was your intention? To help your tarnished image -- Herman said you're troubled but you said you boink him on a casual basis. Hmm ... I'd rather be troubled than a Herman Slut.
In regards to the five women, Herman's attorney, Lin Wood, remarked "Let me suggest to you that five lies do not make one truth. When you talk about the importance of character ... let's look at it from the perspective of that candidate's entire career and life. Don't judge people's character based on accusations made in the media that have not been proven with facts and, in fact, have been clearly denied by the candidate."
When asked about specifics, Wood said, "I am not going to relegate the political process into a Jerry Springer show." Umm ... too late because it already is an episode, a particularly good Kardashian-esque episode and the audience is the world.
Targets for GOP political humor are typically Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, who have given us enough one-liners to last years. All joking aside, the thought of either one of them as leader of the United States of America is frightening. The same goes for Herman Cain.
No, I'm not referring to his indiscretions. I'm talking about intelligence and hubris. Here's some Vendetta Math: A Lack of Intelligence + Hubris = Danger!
Everyone has heard about Herman's confusing Libya answer. Does he agree with President Obama's handling of the situation in Libya ... he didn't but he couldn't exactly explain why. His fumbling response conveyed a lack of knowledge in regards to said situation in Libya.
Herman's response to flack about his fumbling:
The people that get on the Cain train, they don't get off because of that crap. Who knows every detail of every country on the planet? Nobody!
Also see: We need a leader, not a reader.

Yeah, I can picture being at a party and finding myself in a circle of brainiacs, contemplating President Obama's handling of Libya. I'd be asked my opinion and draw a blank. No, not in a freezing up sort of way because I've been put on the spot and am more of a writer than a speaker. More as in a freezing up sort of way because I ain't got a clue. Luckily, I'm not running for president and never will! Hooray!
I don't want a president who describes his supporters as being on the (Last Name) Train, i.e. Cain Train, Obama Train, Bush Train (sounds kinky doesn't it?), Clinton Train, and also describing them as "getting off the train" when he does something wrong. Yeah it's funny but I don't want my president to be funny. If he or she happens to be funny, OK. Great. I like to laugh. However, I want him or her to be highly intelligent, like creepy intelligent. Like studied all the time while I guzzled beer bongs smart because they love to learn.
Which brings me to my second point: Presidents don't need to know every detail of everything on the planet because, honestly, that's impossible. However, they should know about major national and international affairs. And Herman, I want a leader who is also a reader, not a horny man who wears varying hats and enjoys rhyming and coming up with humorous responses to criticism.
Arrogant people in charge scare me. Herman won't admit he sexually harassed those women, he won't admit he had a sexual relationship with Ginger. He won't admit when he doesn't know something and/or said something stupid. I.e. Michele Bachmann and the wrong John Wayne; Sarah Palin and Paul Revere.
America needs a highly intelligent president who has character. Character to admit they screwed up, character to reach across the aisle so Democrats and Republicans can work together to solve our problems, character to do their job.

2011 Year in Review -- Looking back on the good, the bad, the ugly and yourself

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ... there are the commercials advertising this season's big ticket items, department stores hustling everything from inflatable Santa's for your already tacky enough front yard to $500 cashmere sweaters (or even $$$$ Lexus sedans for Richie Rich and Newt Gingrich's third wife, child bride Callista Bisek ... do you know his website is newt.org? Sounds like some kinky sexual position).
Anywho ... there's that nervous, sickly feeling your credit card is getting as it awaits a season of overspending and excess. You know ... you spending buko dollars on presents while receiving items obviously picked out with no thought whatsoever ... same feeling goes for your stomach while it awaits Christmas parties, overeating at dinners with family members you see once a year and would rather, in most cases, never see again, decorated cookies, store-bought pies and chocolates, oh my! Everyone knows you can eat whatever you want around Christmas, right? What Would Santa Do -- WWSD?
Santa, can I make you some sandwiches?
This all means New Years is hot on the trail and 2011 will soon come to a close. Does this make you sad, fill you with regret over things you should have done, things you should have said. Or does it make you slap happy knowing your year was productive and joyous? Moving closer to the end of the Mayan Calendar! Woo!
I've been told God is the ultimate decider, one day bringing judgement down upon our heads. Whether or not this is true, I won't speculate. However, your harshest critic is yourself. People can say nasty things and make you feel terrible but the person who can make you feel the worst is yourself, especially while trying to sit and evaluate your past year. Did you give yourself an A, maybe a B+ or did you straight up earn an EPIC FAIL?
So, as you look back on 2011, focus on the good. That's not to say you shouldn't visit the shitty parts, reminiscence about your dysfunctional family, perhaps some weight gain or losing a job. Happy happy joy joy. Ignorance is bliss but it's not healthy. Maybe you're a glass half empty type, always focusing on the negative, always waiting to be let down or disappointed, never letting yourself fully get excited about anything, always ready to say something along the lines of "just my luck" or "nothing good ever happens to me." Boo f-ing hoo.
There is a comfort in the sadness, in the negativity. You're used to being negative ... it probably stems back to your childhood, doesn't everything? After a while it becomes comforting in the way it always happens, in the way someone important to you always lets you down. In the way things you get excited for never pan out or aren't what you hoped for. You can't always be happy because, sooner or later, something bad will happen. However, you can always be negative.
No wonder people are so depressed around the holidays. It's supposed to be so sickly happy, so wonderfully joyful, a warm home filled with fresh goodies made by a smiling mother, a bountiful spread of loot under a sparkly Christmas tree inside a home safe and warm from the glorious beauty of falling snow.
America has a dysfunctional economy, a government that can't reach across the aisle and work together to solve major problems (weren't they supposed to learn how to get along with others in KINDERGARTEN!), high unemployment, people protesting across the country, blah blah blah ... oh wait, I'm focusing on the negative again. Dammit.
There's this aggravating balance one needs to achieve ... knowing things aren't always going to be great, knowing bad things will happen and we'll be sad from time to time. The Yin and the Yang Mr. Miyagi.
OK, so instead of being the Grinch -- as I've been referred to before -- let's look back on 2011. As the years pass, are we becoming a better society? You know, going in the right direction? What do you think about when you ponder 2011? Well ... outside of your tiny bubble, your tiny place in the world.
Perhaps the sideshow circus of baby killer Casey Anthony, maybe the wacky weather with earthquakes across the U.S. (even Virginia!) and the world (Japan's devastating earthquake and tsunami). How about the end of the Space Shuttle Program or Okra The Black Devil ... oh I mean Oprah. Oops. Or all those creepy ass politicians thinking with their penises ... Anthony Weiner (who had a disgusting '70s porn star mustache going for Movember, not a good look for a man trying to clean up his tarnished image), Arnold Schwarzenegger (can't believe he put his frankfurter in that troll), John Edwards and current scoundrel Mr. Gov't Cheese himself Herman Cain (he puts the toppings under the cheese!). You can't forget the Charlie Sheen mania, Osama bin Laden's death (or is he under the sea swimming around with Aerial and friends waiting for his return to wreak havoc on us infidels???), Occupy (insert town here -- wish they'd occupy my taint) ... I could go on and I'm sure you have more to add but there's a part about 2011 leaving me most concerned.
The Top 10 Searches of 2011:
1. iPhone
2. Casey Anthony
3. Kim Kardashian
4. Katy Perry
5. Jennifer Lopez
6. Lindsay Lohan
7. "American Idol"
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Japan Earthquake
10. Osama bin Laden
Wow, that's depressing. I can't set a goal for America, I can only hope people stop worrying about such tards as the Kardashians, JLo and LiLo, and focus on more important things. As for myself, I can choose to steer my focus towards more intellectual pursuits, hoping such filth as Kourtney Kardashian polluting the world with another bastard child will possibly one day go away. Poof. Vanish.
New Year's Resolutions are for the birds. You make a overly strict list and then follow it for what, a week? Two? Maybe a month? Why not start now? Start small on each goal. Don't overeat over the holidays but enjoy yourself. Tweak your resume and find a new job. Break up with your cheating husband or shitty boyfriend. Distance yourself from your dysfunctional family. Try to exercise more and realize you're the only person stopping yourself from change. As Anne Frank wrote, "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
Wow. Look at me! I'm not the Grinch anymore!