As is typical with celebrity news, it started out as rumor. Fingers frantically danced across keyboards and Smartphones to share news of 24-year-old Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi being pregnant. Is she or isn't she? He-said she-said, this source claims this, this source claims that, Snooki denied pregnancy rumors during an interview in early February with Good Morning America, so ... what's the deal pickles? Is the meatball with child? Has she registered at Guidos 'R Us? I can see it now -- zebra print diapers, faux pouf hair clips, mini size bottles of spray tan and hairspray, spandex onesies. Barf.
First thought: last I heard of Snooki was she'd lost a lot of weight. Now she's three months preggers? Huh.
Soon enough the truth was revealed. Snooki is pregnant. Yes, with child in that disgusting womb tomb of hers in a body stuffed
to the brim with diet pills, fried pickles, girlie drinks, Vagasil, jello-shots, Italian food and Gorilla
Juicehead jizz. Yes, the girl who is known for screaming "Wah" when she doesn't get her way, the alcoholic who flashes her lady parts while "doing her thing" at "da club." Yes, her. The baby is going to come out drunk, spray tanned, DTF and reeking of Axe Body Spray.
Reports claim the father is her boyfriend, Jionni LaValle ... but, honestly, who knows? Other sources claim Snooki is turning the pregnancy into a lucrative marketing deal in hopes of becoming the "next Kourtney Karadashian" ... ding ding ding, winner winner chicken dinner! Interesting how filming began last week on her new spinoff show with Jenni "JWow" Farley (is it JWow or JWoww ... or who the f- cares? Go get some more plastic surgery.) ... guess MTV wanted to throw something juicy in the mix, something scandalous like Snooki being knocked up because we all know how much MTV loves pregnant morons, a.k.a. "16 & Pregnant" and "Teen Mom." Well, MTV loves them because of the morons who religiously watch these train-wrecks.
However, it's interesting to note Snooki & JWow were given a spinoff show because MTV wanted more of their hard-partying, boozy, slutty lifestyle so ... how is pregnancy going to fit in? There's nothing wild about a prenatal yoga class but, then again, Snooki doesn't seem the type. While she's busy worrying about making money off her unborn child, most mothers are worrying about things like having a healthy baby and being a good parent.
What else are "sources" spilling the beans on ... well, after shopping around her story, Snooki brokered a deal with "Us Weekly" to officially announce the news on the cover of their trash rag. Not shocking in the least.
I'm sure in the coming week there will be more news of Snooki and her Guido spawn but, frankly, I've heard enough. I don't know about you but I feel like a refreshing vomit before heading for the hills to live my life out as a recluse because there's no hope for the future of mankind with this kind of filth. Nowhere in any of the reports, through speculation or Snooki's actions, has it been reported she cares about this baby, the life she is bringing into the world. It's all about making money and being famous, which is a terrible life-lesson to promote. Like it or not, Snooki is a role model for America's youth.
Sigh. Shame on her. A baby isn't an accessory, it isn't a gimmick or a sideshow. Disgusting.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Dancing With The Stars -- DWTS -- cast revealed: The term 'star' is looser and looser every go-around
Curiosity killed the cat and it also got the better of me today after noticing various news stories proclaiming "New Dancing With The Stars cast revealed." Yes, revealed! A revelation like we were all waiting on baited breath, dying to know who it will be ... which is sad because some of you out there were, especially the folks who surrounded the El Capitan Theatre in Los Angeles and freaked out as the cast was announced. For shame! This isn't life changing shit people. Get real, get a job and contribute to society.
Anywho, hook, line, sinker, I clicked the article and read on with a I-hope-no-one-sees-me-reading-this-because-they'll-think-I-care nervous energy. Full disclosure: I don't watch the show because I could give a flying f- about the dancing, "the stars" or King Creepster Judge Bruno but, for some reason, I wanted to know who the "stars" were this go-around because year after year (we're talking 14 seasons of this filth), as the desperation builds, the term "star" becomes looser than Christina Aguilera's waistband. Girl is looking thicker than a Dairy Queen blizzard.
So (cue dramatic music here) the cast of season 14 of "Dancing with the Stars" includes:
* Jack Wagner -- ah yes, the dude from "Melrose Place" (circa 1992) who was dating Heather Locklear recently until she went bat-shit. I feel like maybe he beat her up or something but that could be me imagining things and harboring a secret wish for a Locklear-Wagner episode of "Celebrity Death Match." Round 1! Ding ding ding!
* Melissa Gilbert -- Who? All I got is "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" ...
How's mama?
She's fat.
* Donald Driver -- I know he's a football player -- receiver for the Green Bay Packers -- because I've seen his name when drafting my fantasy football team. Donald Duck, Donald Driver ... alliteration is pretty lame but Donald Duck isn't because he doesn't wear pants. Let it breath Donnie!
* William Levy -- Who? Turns out he's known as "The Brad Pitt of Mexico." Wow. Who cares? Mexico is frightening.
* Sherri Shepherd -- Yuck. She's on the "Hen Hour," aka "The View," and is just nasty and too loud. Can't wait to see her in a skin-tight, thigh high gown with stilettos. Sike!
* Katherine Jenkins -- Who?
* Gavin DeGraw -- Isn't he a country singer? Like the type who wears those big bucket cowboy hats and talks about checking people for ticks? Stop yammering on and go be a real cowboy somewhere out in Texas hombre.
* Martina Navratilova -- She's obviously a Russian spy with that unpronounceable last name. Martina ... like Martina McBride ... Martin with an "a." Lazy. I know she's a tennis player but Russian spy sounded cooler.
* Roshon Fegan -- Is this a made up name? Even the last name sounds made up, like some kind of robot or Jewish holiday.
* Maria Menounos -- The chick from E!, right? Or one of those celebrity gossip shows with Billy Bush and his big head and even bigger ego. Yuck yuck yuck. Just because your job is to chat about celebrities doesn't mean you are a celebrity. Or ... quite possibly she was a backup singer for Menudo. Jury's still out.
* Gladys Knight -- Umm ... OK. They do know it's 2012, right?
And last, but certainly not least ...
* Jaleel White -- Urkel, where have you been? Although, I'm sure he'll be dancing as his alter ego Stefan Urquelle.
OK, I'm sensing a trend. Jack Wagner, Steve Urkel, Gladys Knight ... let's do the time warp again! It's not 1992! Overall feeling: random.
Anywho, hook, line, sinker, I clicked the article and read on with a I-hope-no-one-sees-me-reading-this-because-they'll-think-I-care nervous energy. Full disclosure: I don't watch the show because I could give a flying f- about the dancing, "the stars" or King Creepster Judge Bruno but, for some reason, I wanted to know who the "stars" were this go-around because year after year (we're talking 14 seasons of this filth), as the desperation builds, the term "star" becomes looser than Christina Aguilera's waistband. Girl is looking thicker than a Dairy Queen blizzard.
So (cue dramatic music here) the cast of season 14 of "Dancing with the Stars" includes:
* Jack Wagner -- ah yes, the dude from "Melrose Place" (circa 1992) who was dating Heather Locklear recently until she went bat-shit. I feel like maybe he beat her up or something but that could be me imagining things and harboring a secret wish for a Locklear-Wagner episode of "Celebrity Death Match." Round 1! Ding ding ding!
* Melissa Gilbert -- Who? All I got is "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" ...
How's mama?
She's fat.
* Donald Driver -- I know he's a football player -- receiver for the Green Bay Packers -- because I've seen his name when drafting my fantasy football team. Donald Duck, Donald Driver ... alliteration is pretty lame but Donald Duck isn't because he doesn't wear pants. Let it breath Donnie!
* William Levy -- Who? Turns out he's known as "The Brad Pitt of Mexico." Wow. Who cares? Mexico is frightening.
* Sherri Shepherd -- Yuck. She's on the "Hen Hour," aka "The View," and is just nasty and too loud. Can't wait to see her in a skin-tight, thigh high gown with stilettos. Sike!
* Katherine Jenkins -- Who?
* Gavin DeGraw -- Isn't he a country singer? Like the type who wears those big bucket cowboy hats and talks about checking people for ticks? Stop yammering on and go be a real cowboy somewhere out in Texas hombre.
* Martina Navratilova -- She's obviously a Russian spy with that unpronounceable last name. Martina ... like Martina McBride ... Martin with an "a." Lazy. I know she's a tennis player but Russian spy sounded cooler.
* Roshon Fegan -- Is this a made up name? Even the last name sounds made up, like some kind of robot or Jewish holiday.
* Maria Menounos -- The chick from E!, right? Or one of those celebrity gossip shows with Billy Bush and his big head and even bigger ego. Yuck yuck yuck. Just because your job is to chat about celebrities doesn't mean you are a celebrity. Or ... quite possibly she was a backup singer for Menudo. Jury's still out.
* Gladys Knight -- Umm ... OK. They do know it's 2012, right?
And last, but certainly not least ...
* Jaleel White -- Urkel, where have you been? Although, I'm sure he'll be dancing as his alter ego Stefan Urquelle.
OK, I'm sensing a trend. Jack Wagner, Steve Urkel, Gladys Knight ... let's do the time warp again! It's not 1992! Overall feeling: random.
Monday, February 27, 2012
The Academy Awards aka Oscars -- am I the only one who didn't watch and doesn't care who wins?
Ah yes, the Academy Awards, aka The Oscars. I heard about it,i read about it ... but when it came to thi past Sunday night I did not tune in. No DVR, no pre-show red-carpet B.S. with so-called journalists, nothing. Do not pass go, do not collect the camaraderie of doing what every other American is doing -- watching a long ass show so they can Tweet, Facebook and chat about it and be up-to-date. So f-ing hip it hurts!
It's not that I'm anti-Oscars, harboring some hippie-esque hatred of Hollywood in all its gluttonous glory. It's that I could care less. I watched my backlog of DVRed "An Idiot Abroad" and got in bed around 9:30. I guess "An Idiot Abroad" is anti-Oscar in a way since it's done by Ricky Gervais. Hmm ... Anyway, Sunday night = Wild and crazy times! Not so much.
Yeah, come Monday morning when opening my web browser I noticed a red-carpet fashion slideshow. I automatically clicked and browsed the photos -- loved Gwyneth Paltrow, hated Cameron Diaz (I mean, honestly, is she a man?) As a proud skimmer of "Us Weekly" and other trash rags, I enjoy looking briefly, determining yay or nay, and moving on. That's all she wrote when concerning this annual event and Hollywood in general because yeah, Gwyneth looked amazing but I will never go to an event that fancy and never afford that dress so who cares?
I don't care to know who wins because it won't change a thing. Good for them for being nominated and for whoever wins but I don't know them. We're not friends. They're not going to thank me in their speech. If a movie wins that doesn't mean I'm going to go see it. If an actor or actress wins it doesn't mean I need to get down on my knees and worship them while chanting, "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy, I'm scum, I suck."
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy movies. After reading "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" series I saw the movie version in the theater and loved it -- and that's significant considering I don't enjoy the theater because I don't like people! Ah yes, a dark, cold room surrounded by strangers ... hell on Earth. However, Rooney Mara played a very convincing Lisbeth Salander and I enjoyed myself because the film was entertaining, the popcorn was greasy and the theater lacked the usual suspects, aka loud talkers, cell phone offenders, etc. Melissa McCarthy was the best part of "Bridesmaids," which was a very funny film but not enough to garner all the hype. I'd like to read "The Help" before watching the film, and I'd like to see "The Descendants."
However, this is all coming from seeing/hearing about films from friends and/or trailers and deciding they look interesting. There are no dramatic feelings of need and want associated with this. Simply, I'd like to see "The Descendants" so maybe I'll add it to my Netflix list if I remember before my AD/HD continues on its magic carpet ride to the next thought. Hmm ... I think I'll have clam chowder for lunch tomorrow with those little crackers. Mmm ...
Did you know the Oscars are decided by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences? Of the 5,765 voters, 94% are white (somebody better call up Tyler Perry, Al Sharpton & Spike Lee! Aww shit!). The membership is also 77 percent male and 86 percent over the age of 50. Hmm ... so a bunch of old white dudes are telling me what's worth watching? I don't think so, especially since I don't care what people think about the movies I like or dislike. I never understood movie reviewers because who cares what they think? I'm going to like what I like, from "Slumdog Millionaire" to "Get Him to the Greek." So, in conclusion, eat me.
But ... I wonder. Why do people watch The Oscars, year after year? Well, not just watch but obsess over this event and make such a big deal. Sometimes they throw extravagant Oscar parties with champagne and fancy outfits, sometimes they don pajamas and park their wide asses in front of the boob tube, slowly devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Whatever the case, what's the fascination?
Is it for the winners and the speeches? For the movies they've seen and love? The masterpieces? Do they get upset if their favorite movie or actor/actress doesn't win? Like not boo-hoo upset but being-upset-for-days upset. Is it because it's what we're supposed to do?
Is it for the gowns, pomp and circumstance? What's she wearing? Look at her horrible hair! For shame! It's obviously not for Billy Crystal, who has hosted the Oscars nine times too many. He's absolutely snooze-worthy.
Is a group of old, rich white men going to tell you what's worth watching, worth spending hours of your life on? Think again people.
It's not that I'm anti-Oscars, harboring some hippie-esque hatred of Hollywood in all its gluttonous glory. It's that I could care less. I watched my backlog of DVRed "An Idiot Abroad" and got in bed around 9:30. I guess "An Idiot Abroad" is anti-Oscar in a way since it's done by Ricky Gervais. Hmm ... Anyway, Sunday night = Wild and crazy times! Not so much.
Yeah, come Monday morning when opening my web browser I noticed a red-carpet fashion slideshow. I automatically clicked and browsed the photos -- loved Gwyneth Paltrow, hated Cameron Diaz (I mean, honestly, is she a man?) As a proud skimmer of "Us Weekly" and other trash rags, I enjoy looking briefly, determining yay or nay, and moving on. That's all she wrote when concerning this annual event and Hollywood in general because yeah, Gwyneth looked amazing but I will never go to an event that fancy and never afford that dress so who cares?
I don't care to know who wins because it won't change a thing. Good for them for being nominated and for whoever wins but I don't know them. We're not friends. They're not going to thank me in their speech. If a movie wins that doesn't mean I'm going to go see it. If an actor or actress wins it doesn't mean I need to get down on my knees and worship them while chanting, "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy, I'm scum, I suck."
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy movies. After reading "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" series I saw the movie version in the theater and loved it -- and that's significant considering I don't enjoy the theater because I don't like people! Ah yes, a dark, cold room surrounded by strangers ... hell on Earth. However, Rooney Mara played a very convincing Lisbeth Salander and I enjoyed myself because the film was entertaining, the popcorn was greasy and the theater lacked the usual suspects, aka loud talkers, cell phone offenders, etc. Melissa McCarthy was the best part of "Bridesmaids," which was a very funny film but not enough to garner all the hype. I'd like to read "The Help" before watching the film, and I'd like to see "The Descendants."
However, this is all coming from seeing/hearing about films from friends and/or trailers and deciding they look interesting. There are no dramatic feelings of need and want associated with this. Simply, I'd like to see "The Descendants" so maybe I'll add it to my Netflix list if I remember before my AD/HD continues on its magic carpet ride to the next thought. Hmm ... I think I'll have clam chowder for lunch tomorrow with those little crackers. Mmm ...
Did you know the Oscars are decided by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences? Of the 5,765 voters, 94% are white (somebody better call up Tyler Perry, Al Sharpton & Spike Lee! Aww shit!). The membership is also 77 percent male and 86 percent over the age of 50. Hmm ... so a bunch of old white dudes are telling me what's worth watching? I don't think so, especially since I don't care what people think about the movies I like or dislike. I never understood movie reviewers because who cares what they think? I'm going to like what I like, from "Slumdog Millionaire" to "Get Him to the Greek." So, in conclusion, eat me.
But ... I wonder. Why do people watch The Oscars, year after year? Well, not just watch but obsess over this event and make such a big deal. Sometimes they throw extravagant Oscar parties with champagne and fancy outfits, sometimes they don pajamas and park their wide asses in front of the boob tube, slowly devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Whatever the case, what's the fascination?
Is it for the winners and the speeches? For the movies they've seen and love? The masterpieces? Do they get upset if their favorite movie or actor/actress doesn't win? Like not boo-hoo upset but being-upset-for-days upset. Is it because it's what we're supposed to do?
Is it for the gowns, pomp and circumstance? What's she wearing? Look at her horrible hair! For shame! It's obviously not for Billy Crystal, who has hosted the Oscars nine times too many. He's absolutely snooze-worthy.
Is a group of old, rich white men going to tell you what's worth watching, worth spending hours of your life on? Think again people.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Caveman Speak: iPad 3 to be unveiled in March, iPhone 5 gossip ... did I time travel?
So, I'm doing my typical lazy news roundup ... also known as scanning Google News for anything of interest ... and I notice hysteria over Apple unveiling their iPad 3 in March. There's also an article discussing gossip over the iPhone 5, possibly being released this fall.
Whoa whoa whoa ... back the truck up Sally. iPad 3? iPhone 5? Where have I been? Did I time travel or, more likely, is Apple popping these new and improved Joker products out like Michelle Duggar does babies? Probably a little bit of both.
So, I wonder ... why are people so hot to get the new iPad or iPhone? Is it because they did their homework and learned the iPad 3 is rumored to feature an 8-megapixel camera, a vast improvement over the iPad 2, OR is it because it's the hot new thing being shoved violently down their throats?
I've seen people crowding the streets outside Apple stores when something new is available and I wonder why. Why do they do it? A sense of prestige over having the new hot-ticket item? (Reminds me of the world of fashion). It's mine, oh yes, all mine! Look at me everybody, I'm up to date! I'm cool!
Will purchasing the iPad 3 change their life?
Yeah, I use an iPad at work. It's cool and user friendly, which is nice, but I'm not obsessed. I'm definitely not planning to stand in line among hundreds of others when the iPad 3 is available and spending more money than I should.
I don't have an iPhone but I have a SmartPhone. I'll admit it's, again, nice, especially having access to e-mail and the Internet on the go, but I find it to be somewhat negative. Sometimes it's good to put the phone down, put the computer down and shut off the sweet electric buzz of technology.
The other night, while watching one of my favorite shows, I found myself perusing Twitter on my phone. Why you ask? Was the show boring? No way! The show was great, I was simply following an impulse and that made me nervous.
I'm torn, finding myself floating somewhere between the distress over all the Tweets I missed, all the news and witty tidbits, and knowing I can never keep up with it all so I shouldn't try because it will be wasteful stress. Yes, stress over missed Tweets! How pathetic. Before we know it this phenomenon will have a diagnostic code in a future edition of the DSM!
Must. Put. Phone. Down.
Whoa whoa whoa ... back the truck up Sally. iPad 3? iPhone 5? Where have I been? Did I time travel or, more likely, is Apple popping these new and improved Joker products out like Michelle Duggar does babies? Probably a little bit of both.
So, I wonder ... why are people so hot to get the new iPad or iPhone? Is it because they did their homework and learned the iPad 3 is rumored to feature an 8-megapixel camera, a vast improvement over the iPad 2, OR is it because it's the hot new thing being shoved violently down their throats?
I've seen people crowding the streets outside Apple stores when something new is available and I wonder why. Why do they do it? A sense of prestige over having the new hot-ticket item? (Reminds me of the world of fashion). It's mine, oh yes, all mine! Look at me everybody, I'm up to date! I'm cool!
Will purchasing the iPad 3 change their life?
Yeah, I use an iPad at work. It's cool and user friendly, which is nice, but I'm not obsessed. I'm definitely not planning to stand in line among hundreds of others when the iPad 3 is available and spending more money than I should.
I don't have an iPhone but I have a SmartPhone. I'll admit it's, again, nice, especially having access to e-mail and the Internet on the go, but I find it to be somewhat negative. Sometimes it's good to put the phone down, put the computer down and shut off the sweet electric buzz of technology.
The other night, while watching one of my favorite shows, I found myself perusing Twitter on my phone. Why you ask? Was the show boring? No way! The show was great, I was simply following an impulse and that made me nervous.
I'm torn, finding myself floating somewhere between the distress over all the Tweets I missed, all the news and witty tidbits, and knowing I can never keep up with it all so I shouldn't try because it will be wasteful stress. Yes, stress over missed Tweets! How pathetic. Before we know it this phenomenon will have a diagnostic code in a future edition of the DSM!
Must. Put. Phone. Down.
Monday, February 13, 2012
It's Valentine's Day So Celebrate the Ones You Love -- Keep Real Holidays Alive
What's the point of every day being a holiday to celebrate some miniscule thing?
When you think American holidays, what comes to mind? New Year's debauchery (or shame at falling asleep before midnight -- did you fall asleep Billy or did you pass out?), Thanksgiving over-eating, Christmas and, again, over-eating ... Labor Day, Columbus Day, Memorial Day, President's, MLK, Veterans ...
But wait, there's more.
We also have April Fool's Day, Father's and Mother's days -- and the lesser popular Grandparents Day -- Kwanzaa (whatever that is), St. Patrick's Day (when we pretend to be Irish and consume mass quantities of Guinness and corned beef like assholes), Groundhog Day, Mardi Gras, Cinco de Mayo (for some reason we believe Mexicans chiefly survive on a steady diet of Corona and nachos) ...
But wait, there's more.
Do you know there are food holidays every single day? Wtf. In addition to being Black History Month (obviously America only cares about black folks for one month ... which a happens to be the shortest month of the year), February is filled with food celebrations. It's National Cherry Month (yum) ... as well as National Grapefruit Month (yuck), National Hot Breakfast Month (umm ... ok?), National Macadamia Nut Month (yum) and National Snack Food Month (who doesn't like to snack?). I'm not kidding. Feb. 19 to 25 is National Pancake Week as well.
Then, every day throughout the year there is something to celebrate. Feb. 9 was National Bagel & Lox Day. Feb. 10 was National Cream Cheese Brownie Day.
I have a headache and am stressed I didn't eat a cream cheese brownie on Feb. 10. Shit! Bad luck for a month! I'm missing out on life!
We've got the more accepted holiday, Valentine's Day, upon us, which many believe is a manufactured celebration so people spend moolah on flowers, candy and cheezy Hallmark cards. Fight the power you dirty, dirty hippies, fight it with all the flowers and hair grease you can!
It's important to celebrate the big holidays to keep your relationship alive. Buy your significant other something for Vday, take them out to dinner, make a biggish deal of it! Have fun! When you start poo-poopin these days is when your relationship starts to poo-poo and fall apart. One missed holiday leads to another ... also, it's sad but true, we need Vday to remind us to be romantic, to cherish the one we love, to slow our hectic lives and be thankful for love. All sorts of love: friendship, family, relationship-sexy-time-lovers.
We need it yet many people choose to half-ass it. Buy some generic chocolates, generic flowers and a card with a generic greeting for the "love of your life" the day before (the greeting card department at my local box store was mobbed Feb. 13, mobbed!) instead of thinking about specifics. What candy does he or she like? What card reminds you of them and why? Shit, why not make your own card?
However, the buck stops here. I'm cool with celebrating birthdays (not half birthdays or any other made-up shit), Vday, Christmas ... as well as milestones like graduation, promotions, childbirth, weddings. Other than that, like National Doughnut Day or whatever bogus shit fatties come up with to eat fried food all day and put some meaning in their empty lives, no thanks.
When you think American holidays, what comes to mind? New Year's debauchery (or shame at falling asleep before midnight -- did you fall asleep Billy or did you pass out?), Thanksgiving over-eating, Christmas and, again, over-eating ... Labor Day, Columbus Day, Memorial Day, President's, MLK, Veterans ...
But wait, there's more.
We also have April Fool's Day, Father's and Mother's days -- and the lesser popular Grandparents Day -- Kwanzaa (whatever that is), St. Patrick's Day (when we pretend to be Irish and consume mass quantities of Guinness and corned beef like assholes), Groundhog Day, Mardi Gras, Cinco de Mayo (for some reason we believe Mexicans chiefly survive on a steady diet of Corona and nachos) ...
But wait, there's more.
Do you know there are food holidays every single day? Wtf. In addition to being Black History Month (obviously America only cares about black folks for one month ... which a happens to be the shortest month of the year), February is filled with food celebrations. It's National Cherry Month (yum) ... as well as National Grapefruit Month (yuck), National Hot Breakfast Month (umm ... ok?), National Macadamia Nut Month (yum) and National Snack Food Month (who doesn't like to snack?). I'm not kidding. Feb. 19 to 25 is National Pancake Week as well.
Then, every day throughout the year there is something to celebrate. Feb. 9 was National Bagel & Lox Day. Feb. 10 was National Cream Cheese Brownie Day.
I have a headache and am stressed I didn't eat a cream cheese brownie on Feb. 10. Shit! Bad luck for a month! I'm missing out on life!
We've got the more accepted holiday, Valentine's Day, upon us, which many believe is a manufactured celebration so people spend moolah on flowers, candy and cheezy Hallmark cards. Fight the power you dirty, dirty hippies, fight it with all the flowers and hair grease you can!
It's important to celebrate the big holidays to keep your relationship alive. Buy your significant other something for Vday, take them out to dinner, make a biggish deal of it! Have fun! When you start poo-poopin these days is when your relationship starts to poo-poo and fall apart. One missed holiday leads to another ... also, it's sad but true, we need Vday to remind us to be romantic, to cherish the one we love, to slow our hectic lives and be thankful for love. All sorts of love: friendship, family, relationship-sexy-time-lovers.
We need it yet many people choose to half-ass it. Buy some generic chocolates, generic flowers and a card with a generic greeting for the "love of your life" the day before (the greeting card department at my local box store was mobbed Feb. 13, mobbed!) instead of thinking about specifics. What candy does he or she like? What card reminds you of them and why? Shit, why not make your own card?
However, the buck stops here. I'm cool with celebrating birthdays (not half birthdays or any other made-up shit), Vday, Christmas ... as well as milestones like graduation, promotions, childbirth, weddings. Other than that, like National Doughnut Day or whatever bogus shit fatties come up with to eat fried food all day and put some meaning in their empty lives, no thanks.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
How Much Is too Much: Food Stamps & Junk Food in Florida, Is Big Brother Watching What You Eat?
We've become obsessed with headlines in our layman's terms, give-it-to-me straight society. We glance through newspapers (hopefully people still read newspapers), skim our online newsfeeds like Google News or Twitter, and check out what's trending on Yahoo.com.
We read the headlines and become outraged. 0 to 60 mph of pure, full throttle outrage. A handful of words are enough to get the juices flowing, making us opinionated and full of all the information needed. Do we dare read the entire article? Not likely and if we do it's more of a light skimming than nitty gritty research because with so much easily accessible news we ain't got the time!
You're outta time!
So, what to my wondering eyes did appear? "Proposed Bill Would Ban Florida Food Stamp Recipients From Buying Junk Food."
Ah government cheese -- Food Stamps, Welfare ... is always a hot topic, especially around election time with the GOP sideshow looking to kick Barry O out of office and take over!
So, what's your reaction to the headline?
Outrage? Food stamp recipients should be able to buy what they want! Right? There is already a restriction on alcohol and tobacco so that's that Mr. That's That! Everything covered. Anyway, this time it's junk food but what's next? How does Big Brother know folks are using a majority of their food stamps on junk food? And how will junk food be defined? One mans cookie is another mans rice cake! Everything in moderation, right?
Let them eat cake!
Or perhaps you agree. Why should government cheese provide these people with junk food? Don't we have a huge obesity epidemic in this country among adults and children alike, especially among the poor and uneducated? They are provided with free money to feed their families and should use it strictly on healthy foods so we don't put a greater strain on our healthcare system, filling up hospitals and doctors offices with obese, unhealthy people who can't afford to pay their bills anyway!
Or perhaps you don't care because you don't live in Florida and aren't on welfare. Bingo bango. Go ahead and eat another Cheeto Sally, just don't get that delicious orange dust on your keyboard!
Would your opinion change if you read the entire article and learned this all started after Republican State Senator Rhonda Storms visited her local grocery and noticed shoppers using their food stamps to purchase unhealthy junk food -- which she defines as non-staple, unhealthy foods like chips, cookies and soda.
Would your opinion change if you read on, learning this demand for restrictions also comes from the deep budget cuts the state is facing? Storms commented, "If we're going to be cutting services across the board, then people can live without potato chips, without store-bought cookies, without their sodas." Naysayers comment this would mean poor kids can't have cake on their birthday (boo hoo!) but Storms responded with how parents can easily purchase flour, eggs and sugar and make a cake! Boo ya! In your face! I should mention these naysayers also include lobbyists for the Corn Refiners of America, the Florida Beverage Association, the Florida Petroleum Marketers and the Convenience Store Association ... * cough cough *
Would your opinion change if you learned there is a companion bill also making its way through the House of Representatives down in ol' Florida, with the primary focus on preventing people from using their government-issued bank cards at ATMs in casinos, Internet cafes or strip clubs. This "junk food, food stamp" portion might need to be edited if there is hope for the ATM card portion to fly because, honestly, it's more important for these folks to not spend their money at casinos, Internet cafes or strip clubs than for them to buy soda and cookies, right?
This article reminded me of the recent outrage over the Florida law requiring welfare recipients to pass a drug test before getting their government cheese. No smokey the crackie if you want free moolah is simple enough. Yeah, the ACLU is pissed because it violates their constitutional rights but ... it makes sense to me. Why should the U.S. government give you money if you are a junkie? Maybe you'd turn your life around and lay off the drugs if you knew you weren't getting paid anymore. I.e. you don't have a job and will never get a job because you can get money from the government, sit at home and do drugs.
Is this too much Big Brother for you? The U.S. government is all up in your Jell-O -- your shopping cart and recreational drug use -- and those bitches don't even know the flavor! They don't know you! These intrusions sound like the beginning of some science fiction thriller ...
It all started with food stamps. People weren't allowed to use them for junk food. Then Big Brother started doing drug testing for welfare recipients and Dr. (insert creepy German last name here) started infecting the drug test takers with a sterilization agent so they could no longer procreate. He never dreamed he would cause A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK!
Or perhaps all of this simply makes sense in a big picture sort of way because isn't that what America is about? Not you, not me, but everybody together?
We read the headlines and become outraged. 0 to 60 mph of pure, full throttle outrage. A handful of words are enough to get the juices flowing, making us opinionated and full of all the information needed. Do we dare read the entire article? Not likely and if we do it's more of a light skimming than nitty gritty research because with so much easily accessible news we ain't got the time!
You're outta time!
So, what to my wondering eyes did appear? "Proposed Bill Would Ban Florida Food Stamp Recipients From Buying Junk Food."
Ah government cheese -- Food Stamps, Welfare ... is always a hot topic, especially around election time with the GOP sideshow looking to kick Barry O out of office and take over!
So, what's your reaction to the headline?
Outrage? Food stamp recipients should be able to buy what they want! Right? There is already a restriction on alcohol and tobacco so that's that Mr. That's That! Everything covered. Anyway, this time it's junk food but what's next? How does Big Brother know folks are using a majority of their food stamps on junk food? And how will junk food be defined? One mans cookie is another mans rice cake! Everything in moderation, right?
Let them eat cake!
Or perhaps you agree. Why should government cheese provide these people with junk food? Don't we have a huge obesity epidemic in this country among adults and children alike, especially among the poor and uneducated? They are provided with free money to feed their families and should use it strictly on healthy foods so we don't put a greater strain on our healthcare system, filling up hospitals and doctors offices with obese, unhealthy people who can't afford to pay their bills anyway!
Or perhaps you don't care because you don't live in Florida and aren't on welfare. Bingo bango. Go ahead and eat another Cheeto Sally, just don't get that delicious orange dust on your keyboard!
Would your opinion change if you read the entire article and learned this all started after Republican State Senator Rhonda Storms visited her local grocery and noticed shoppers using their food stamps to purchase unhealthy junk food -- which she defines as non-staple, unhealthy foods like chips, cookies and soda.
Would your opinion change if you read on, learning this demand for restrictions also comes from the deep budget cuts the state is facing? Storms commented, "If we're going to be cutting services across the board, then people can live without potato chips, without store-bought cookies, without their sodas." Naysayers comment this would mean poor kids can't have cake on their birthday (boo hoo!) but Storms responded with how parents can easily purchase flour, eggs and sugar and make a cake! Boo ya! In your face! I should mention these naysayers also include lobbyists for the Corn Refiners of America, the Florida Beverage Association, the Florida Petroleum Marketers and the Convenience Store Association ... * cough cough *
Would your opinion change if you learned there is a companion bill also making its way through the House of Representatives down in ol' Florida, with the primary focus on preventing people from using their government-issued bank cards at ATMs in casinos, Internet cafes or strip clubs. This "junk food, food stamp" portion might need to be edited if there is hope for the ATM card portion to fly because, honestly, it's more important for these folks to not spend their money at casinos, Internet cafes or strip clubs than for them to buy soda and cookies, right?
This article reminded me of the recent outrage over the Florida law requiring welfare recipients to pass a drug test before getting their government cheese. No smokey the crackie if you want free moolah is simple enough. Yeah, the ACLU is pissed because it violates their constitutional rights but ... it makes sense to me. Why should the U.S. government give you money if you are a junkie? Maybe you'd turn your life around and lay off the drugs if you knew you weren't getting paid anymore. I.e. you don't have a job and will never get a job because you can get money from the government, sit at home and do drugs.
Is this too much Big Brother for you? The U.S. government is all up in your Jell-O -- your shopping cart and recreational drug use -- and those bitches don't even know the flavor! They don't know you! These intrusions sound like the beginning of some science fiction thriller ...
It all started with food stamps. People weren't allowed to use them for junk food. Then Big Brother started doing drug testing for welfare recipients and Dr. (insert creepy German last name here) started infecting the drug test takers with a sterilization agent so they could no longer procreate. He never dreamed he would cause A ZOMBIE OUTBREAK!
Or perhaps all of this simply makes sense in a big picture sort of way because isn't that what America is about? Not you, not me, but everybody together?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)