Curiosity killed the cat and it also got the better of me today after noticing various news stories proclaiming "New Dancing With The Stars cast revealed." Yes, revealed! A revelation like we were all waiting on baited breath, dying to know who it will be ... which is sad because some of you out there were, especially the folks who surrounded the El Capitan Theatre in Los Angeles and freaked out as the cast was announced. For shame! This isn't life changing shit people. Get real, get a job and contribute to society.
Anywho, hook, line, sinker, I clicked the article and read on with a I-hope-no-one-sees-me-reading-this-because-they'll-think-I-care nervous energy. Full disclosure: I don't watch the show because I could give a flying f- about the dancing, "the stars" or King Creepster Judge Bruno but, for some reason, I wanted to know who the "stars" were this go-around because year after year (we're talking 14 seasons of this filth), as the desperation builds, the term "star" becomes looser than Christina Aguilera's waistband. Girl is looking thicker than a Dairy Queen blizzard.
So (cue dramatic music here) the cast of season 14 of "Dancing with the Stars" includes:
* Jack Wagner -- ah yes, the dude from "Melrose Place" (circa 1992) who was dating Heather Locklear recently until she went bat-shit. I feel like maybe he beat her up or something but that could be me imagining things and harboring a secret wish for a Locklear-Wagner episode of "Celebrity Death Match." Round 1! Ding ding ding!
* Melissa Gilbert -- Who? All I got is "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" ...
How's mama?
She's fat.
* Donald Driver -- I know he's a football player -- receiver for the Green Bay Packers -- because I've seen his name when drafting my fantasy football team. Donald Duck, Donald Driver ... alliteration is pretty lame but Donald Duck isn't because he doesn't wear pants. Let it breath Donnie!
* William Levy -- Who? Turns out he's known as "The Brad Pitt of Mexico." Wow. Who cares? Mexico is frightening.
* Sherri Shepherd -- Yuck. She's on the "Hen Hour," aka "The View," and is just nasty and too loud. Can't wait to see her in a skin-tight, thigh high gown with stilettos. Sike!
* Katherine Jenkins -- Who?
* Gavin DeGraw -- Isn't he a country singer? Like the type who wears those big bucket cowboy hats and talks about checking people for ticks? Stop yammering on and go be a real cowboy somewhere out in Texas hombre.
* Martina Navratilova -- She's obviously a Russian spy with that unpronounceable last name. Martina ... like Martina McBride ... Martin with an "a." Lazy. I know she's a tennis player but Russian spy sounded cooler.
* Roshon Fegan -- Is this a made up name? Even the last name sounds made up, like some kind of robot or Jewish holiday.
* Maria Menounos -- The chick from E!, right? Or one of those celebrity gossip shows with Billy Bush and his big head and even bigger ego. Yuck yuck yuck. Just because your job is to chat about celebrities doesn't mean you are a celebrity. Or ... quite possibly she was a backup singer for Menudo. Jury's still out.
* Gladys Knight -- Umm ... OK. They do know it's 2012, right?
And last, but certainly not least ...
* Jaleel White -- Urkel, where have you been? Although, I'm sure he'll be dancing as his alter ego Stefan Urquelle.
OK, I'm sensing a trend. Jack Wagner, Steve Urkel, Gladys Knight ... let's do the time warp again! It's not 1992! Overall feeling: random.
I was pulling for Rider Strong to be on the cast.
ReplyDeleteThere ain't no shame in my game. I used to have a hardcore crush on him back in the day when I spent my Friday nights watching "Boy Meets World" and the rest of the TGIF lineup. Now I spend my Friday nights guzzling red wine.
Delete