Fox News is reporting liberals "freaked out" after Barack Obama's poor performance last night (no, not sexual performance). Apparently Mitt "Galvatron" Romney crushed him, signifying Barry O finally lost his mojo -- it was last seen floating in a bottle of homebrewed beer. Memo to Barack: We get it, you're a cool dude. No need to brew beer and act all Joe Everyman because you're not. You're the president of the United States of America. We don't want the president to be cool, we want him/her to be smart. Sincerely, Everyone.
Big Bird was placed on the endangered species list last night -- which is equivalent to ripping our childhood dreams out of our grasp, kicking our dog and spitting in our ice cream before calling our sweet, sweet mother bad names. Although, Mitt Romney assured us, "I love Big Bird" like an abusive husband who says, "I don't want to hit you, you just make me so mad sometimes." It's not you Big Bird, it's me. Muppets across the world are rioting because people care more about muppets than they do real life.
Criticism isn't limited to the stars of the show. Apparently, veteran newsman Jim Lehrer asked questions weaker than his brittle old bones and lost control. The 78-year-old should leave the spotlight for Shady Oaks Retirement Community, where he'll be rewarded with Old Fashioneds, an unlimited supply of pitted prunes and a new spot as moderator of daily bingo -- Golden-agers are serious about some bingo!
This news, and much, much more, has hit the Internet since 1 minute into the debate last night. The rise of social media offers everyday folks tools to analyze and deconstruct Romney and Obama without waiting for the broadcast to end, as well as followup analysis by biased TV pundits. Everyone is an expert, credentials are Internet access and fingers. People declare winners and losers and examine every word, stutter, blue tie, red tie, and American flag pin from the word go. Their soap boxes are Facebook posts and 140-character filled rants.
These folks either bombard you daily with political know-how, shaking their heads when you don't agree, or are the ones too meek to speak in public because it's oh so much safer to anonymously gripe on the World Wide Web in the safety of their basements. The freaks come out at night and when alone on the Internet.
The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history according to Twitter (which is impressive until you remember Twitter was founded six years ago -- lot of history before then folks). Although, it's not the most tweeted live event in history because, remember, we are Americans. People were more fired up for the Grammy's, MTV VMAs and the Super Bowl. However, it's important to keep in mind these Twittering fools skew to a younger population. Yo brah, sweet tie Barry. Mittens' hair looks sick!
A people browser web analytics firm examined Tweets (yes, Big Brother is watching) and concluded more people Tweeted about Romney winning so that makes him the winner winner chicken dinner in their eyes.
Did you watch the debate? Why? Were you planning to use this event to finalize your decision come November? Do you simply love a good show, you queen, you!? Did you not want to be out of the current event loop? Maybe you figured you can't complain if you don't watch. I heard someone comment they wanted to finally catch a glimpse of the human side of Mitt Romney.
All of this is a large, heaping helping of rotten baloney. I did not watch the debate. I did not plan to watch the debate. I did not stay up reading Tweets and FB posts by friends and strangers alike who believe they have PhDs in Life, the Universe and Everything. Everyone watching last night went in with an agenda, with a bias, whether they admit it or not. You've got your guy in this corner and the other guy in the other corner. Round one, fight! (All we needed were Ring Girls!) Everything your guy said right last night was amazing, everything he said wrong was ... well he didn't say much wrong and he's human, right? As for the other guy, every word that came out of his mouth was a lie or further reason he's out of touch with America. Blah blah blah.
Did you think you'd see the human side of Romney or Obama? Real talk with Barry and Mitt? They've been rehearsing for weeks and are, at the end of the day, actors. They're not three whiskeys in sitting with you at a dive bar, opening their slurring, bleeding hearts. They are on national television with millions of eyes watching surrounded by their posse of staff, who are crossing their fingers their prep work pays off.
Also, I don't understand how this debate could change your vote. Their platforms couldn't be any more different on the big issues. Blue or red. Conservative or liberal.
Hello? Hello? Anybody home? Huh. Think McFly, think.
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