I am not sure minded -- never have been, never will be. I don't believe in absolutes and, when weighing both sides of an argument, see truth in pro and con. Perhaps I don't take my judgment seriously but who am I to say someone is a bad person or fully judge them? What do I know? I am also a firm believer there is more than one side to a story, always.
However, whether you like it or not everyone judges at least on a subconscious level. It's human. Whether you take a step forward from this judgment and vocalize your theory or entertain it in your mind is a different story. A thought is singular unless you entertain it -- then it can become a support beam for your values and ideals.
So, when confronted with negative and hateful people I am curious. I'm talking about negative people, who always see the glass as half empty. Who relate everything back to themselves and bitch about people so much you wonder if you are the target of their hate when your back is turned. They are bitter and enjoy putting others down. Their negativity is so strong it feels like humidity on a summer day, when the air is so thick you can hardly breathe.
This negativity is toxic and causes me to feel drained. I start thinking with a slight negative POV. Maybe so-and-so is a bitch. I start gossiping, becoming catty. I have to stop myself and know what I'm getting into ahead of time before spending time with negative people. I won't let myself morph into their negative ally.
However, I still find it interesting.
Why are people hateful? It is self-abuse to put others down. You feel so bad about your life or some aspect of it that instead of looking inward at that negativity and getting to its root, it's easier to get a quick fix. Also, the negative emotions associated with your life are current, right at the front of your mind, clouding your thoughts. You want to get rid of it and fast! Ease the pain now! Put so-and-so down and for seconds, maybe minutes, maybe days if you are delusional, you feel better about yourself. It's like watching trashy reality TV to feel better about your life, watching the Snooki's of the world and thinking, "well at least I'm not her." Yeah, I could use to lose some weight but at least I'm not shaped like a meatball and a complete and utter whore. Or it's like when you are complaining and someone says, "it could always be worse" and mentions something far worse. For a bit you feel OK but it's not a cure, it's a distraction, like eating a few dozen doughnuts to feel happy.
The negativity becomes a cycle. One mean comment turns into more comments, more feelings, more power. Instead of thinking they have the power to control their mind and thoughts, these people let the hate pour out. This hate feeds on more hate and they begin to live off emotions, off the rush of putting people down, and they start to believe the hate that pours out of their pores.
This cycle starts for all sorts of reasons -- it reminds me of the cliche schoolyard bully. Why is he/she so mean? Some think the kid must be wired that way. Perhaps. More likely someone else is pushing this bully down. Maybe a parent at home. Dad is mean and they feel powerless so they take it out on everyone at school. It's easier to be mean to everyone instead of let someone in that might hurt you further. It's a displacement for negative emotion, it's gotta go somewhere!
I wonder if these people know how toxic they are or if they choose ignorance Next time you come across a Negative Nelly, first thing is identification. Then you are free to study them and see what the deal is with all that hate!
I (now) believe that people like that choose to ignore the truth. I don't think they have a clue they are toxic, in fact I believe they think they are you're best friend...all while they are stabbing you repeatedly in the back.
ReplyDeleteMy mom used to ask me, particularly after getting off of the phone: "What makes you think whoever you were just talking to isn't talking about you in the same way? What makes you think they aren't calling the person you were just talking about and saying mean things about you?" Lol mom! Pffft! My close, wonderful bestie would never do that! HA!
Unfortunately for me it took years, decades actually, for me to discover what my mom said was true. And, to make matters worse, not only was my "friend" talking about me, she was talking about my nephew who has a disability and spreading lies about him. She was like my sister, and after the anger subsided I went through a period of mourning such as one would go through with the death of a sister. She cut me to the core and left me with so many questions that all started with "Why". I count myself lucky though.
What I came out with was a greater understanding of people. I now choose my words more carefully when talking about others and try to stay away from such toxic people. They want us to believe they have a great life, they feel they are the hit of every party, and we all want to be like them. What we know is they are lonely, sad, wish their lives were better and more exciting, they have low self-worth, and we are all thankful we aren't them. I realize people that are like that will never be able to say anything worth hearing to my face, they will always be that gossip queen trying to put everyone down behind our backs while we all roll our eyes. I'm the first one to reply when I hear the ever common "Well that's just Jill" (or whoever it is), that uh uhh no, it's unacceptable. And I don't care if "that's just" who they are, it's wrong, it's petty, and they are a horrible person. I left a voicemail for the person who stabbed me in the back, and I'm positive she listened to it. What I told her was that there will never be an acceptable excuse for what she did, and that I hoped her lies made her feel superior and would carry her for a long time because she would never again have someone who treated her the way I did. She would never know what it was like to have a real friend because her pettiness would rise above that and eventually destroy all of her friendships because she is a false person. It's been years since that happened and I hear about her now and then. She still doesn't have a close friend, she's resorted to hanging out with people that are much like herself which is what she deserves. That kind of life has to eventually tear a person up I would think.
I like your blog, the subjects you choose to talk about are ones that I also talk about. It's very interesting!
@Jen I'm glad you enjoy my blog! Thanks! And thanks for the feedback. I am glad, although you say it took decades, you came to this realization about your friends and people in general. For people who are toxic it is best to stay far, far away.
ReplyDeleteWhat's strange is I could see this in other people, but not one my best friends at the time. Ironically she was also the only friend in my life that was that type of person. There are several groups of ladies I hang out with and some drama lovers in each of those groups, but I call them acquaintances and not friends. I have always been able to see it in others, but with her I was duped. Sad.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard for people to see negative characteristics in their friends, especially large flaws, just as it is hard for a spouse to believe their significant other is cheating on them. All the facts could be staring you in the face but you want to believe the best about that person because it's easier and you love them.
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