Who exactly are Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney and the great Barack Obama?

I'veRon  heard all kinds of talk in regards to the presidential hopefuls and a lot of it is black and white ignorant b.s.
Barry O shouldn't be re-elected because he's done a horrible job and done everything wrong. Every single thing. He hates the military, he hates people who work and wants us all to be lazy and Muslim like he is!
Newt-y Gingrich, old Newty old pal, wouldn't make a good president because he's a womanizer and a liar. He could care less about becoming president and is just feeding his already over-inflated ego.
Mitt Romney -- aka R-Money aka Ron Mexico -- wouldn't make a good president because he's Mormon and would, upon taking oath of office, require everyone to become a Mormon. Yikes! That's scary because I don't even know what that means! Frightening!
Rick Santorum -- aka The Sanitarium Slinger -- wouldn't be a good prez because he hates women, non-whites, gays and sex in general and would make us all become abstinent. We will all eventually go crazy with sex-madness and blow up the world in a fit of rage ... well no one really said this, but I wouldn't be surprised. (This is how rumors start).
Ron Paul -- aka Dr. No (also see Dr. Veto) -- wouldn't make a good president because he's a complete looney nut-job and hates the government. His economic policies are outrageous ... (interesting people are always talking about Ron Paul's big ideas and how fabulous they are but don't seem to know specifically what these "ideas" involve). Anyway, if his middle name started with an I, then his nickname could be RIP, which is totally gangster. RIP gonna click click click to your dome beeatch! Respect and vote!
What morons we are. We sit in our living rooms like sheep, listening to every word that comes out of the mouths of these men and eat it up like chocolate candy. Mmm mmm good! Me want more! We watch TV news and believe every word. We fall in line. But, then again, who are we supposed to trust?
I figure, we need to pick the lesser of evils because no one, especially these men, is perfect. No one has all the answers. I feel like everyone should know this but, obviously, this isn't the case.
But I wonder ... why do they want to be president? Because they can do a good job and turn America around or for selfish reasons like feeding their ego? Oh, Mr. President, your limo is here. Oh Mr. President, please excuse me while I kiss your great big ass. Pucker up buttercup! Of course their intentions aren't purely one thing but a bit of this and that like a crock pot dish with a bulk of something -- i.e. I am feeling kinda questionable about being president but, overall, I want to save the country (saving the country is the pork shoulder of this crock pot goodness).
Who are these men? What do they want from us? You could listen to every speech, hang on to every word. You could listen to every interview, snicker at each joke, sigh at each emotional moment, but is this really them or contrived b.s. by a dedicated speech writer?