I wasn't going to write about this because it's overwhelming - I don't know what I feel (or should feel) as a bystander to tragedy. However, after witnessing the virtual war over gun control, mental illness and God, I feel the urge to debrief.
The news reached across the globe. On Friday, Dec 14, 2012, after murdering his mother in her bed, Adam Lanza, 20, stole three of her weapons (she owned six), walked into Sandy Hook Elementary and never walked out. He murdered 26 people, including 20 children ages 6 and 7. Authorities report he had enough ammunition to murder many, many more.
Mass murders are devastating and unnerving but this one ... 20 children ages 6 and 7 in a sleepy town in Connecticut? Children. Connecticut. As Americans we are not immune to mass shootings (the "Dark Knight" movie theater shooting was only five months ago) but children ... that was out of our scope of possibility. Children of all ages are no longer safe at school. Sleepy towns are no longer sleepy. The age of innocence is growing younger every year until the time will come when no one is free from violence and adult content. There will no longer be childhoods, on the gritty, harsh reality of life.
I won't indulge my feelings because I don't know how I feel. I think that's OK, it's OK to not know, to be numb from senseless acts of violence. To be numb from movie theatre massacres, shopping mall shootings and, especially, mass murders at elementary schools. This isn't supposed to happen because it's inhuman. It's evil. We're at war with an invisible enemy: mental disease.
I know my feelings in reference to others and the thoughts they've shared in stark, naked honesty on the Internet. Their thoughts are full of absolutes and unshakable substance -- almost as unnerving as random acts of violence. Why aren't others without words like I am? Why aren't others unsure of what this tragedy means and how America should react? Why don't others understand it's not simple because life isn't simple? Maybe there are many like me and they simply choose not to respond on social media. It's the fanatics who shout from rooftops as if that's the only way their feelings will matter. Facebook and Twitter are on one big rooftop, overlooking the world.
Eddie Nimibutr, owner (which has been disputed) and chef of the Austin, Texas restaurant Thai Noodle House commented: "I'm failing to give a damn about the CT shooting. I don't care if a bunch of white kids got killed. Fuck post-racial bullshit. When kids from minority groups get shot, nobody cares. When Israel launched missiles at the school on Gaza, everybody was too busy jerking off. Why should I care about people who don't give a damn about me? Personal responsibility, right?"
He later commented: "I am no fool to just feel and just believe the hypocrisy in our society the way everyone told me how to. Lots of people are mad at me for the thing I said. Some called with threat of violence. I laughed at the Internet tough guys, but I reported to the police. I am educated and believe in my rights of the Freedom of Speech ... If you don't like me or my opinions, I suggest you to unfriend me and fuck off. I am pretty much sick of some people telling me what to think, how to think, or how to feel today, and if you don't like my foods, fuck off and eat someplace else."
Although he's a hypocrite, among other things, I agree there are horrific crimes being committed everyday, especially in Syria. Unspeakable acts of violence hardly evoking a cringe or attention when quickly uttered on the evening news we, most likely, DVR because we're busy. Too busy for the news, how pathetic. However, it's different when it happens in your country, especially in America where we proudly wear Americanism on our sleeve next to our hearts. It's different because the majority of the dead are children. Children were gunned down as if they were a threat. Maybe you pull a Columbine and gun down your classmates because you were bullied and emotionally beaten down ... it's not OK in any stretch of the imagination but it's a lesson in psychology we can grasp when trying to make sense of it all. There's no rhyme or reason to why a 20-year-old would shoot children just as it's difficult to comprehend why someone would shoot moviegoers.
Random acts of violence are the scariest because that means you are never safe, not even at once safe havens like an elementary school. Yes, maybe Adam Lanza wanted notoriety but we, as a society, need to examine the why before we can discuss the what now.
As I'm making my list and checking it twice for Christmas, I'm guilty. I didn't know the people and children murdered, I don't know the survivors, I've never been to Newtown, Ct. and I don't know the people affected directly by this tragedy. I've never had a friend or family member murdered. I can't imagine the pain and suffering they are going through right this second and will go through for the rest of their lives: the survivors guilt, the what if, the regret, the anger. However, I can't help but feel troubled and guilty, like I'm under a black cloud. Guilty for laughing at a joke, guilty for being cynical, guilty for enjoying celebrity gossip, guilty for getting annoyed when my mother babbles too long on the phone or the person in front of me drives 40 in a 55 mph zone, guilty for knowing this incident will soon lose its hold and I'll continue sweating the small stuff. I try to remember to be grateful for what and who I have because I never know when I'll take my last breath or when the ones I love will take theirs ... even with this in mind, I'm still troubled.
It's never one thing. It's not because of this random act of violence further reminding us we are not safe. It's not because it involved 20 children being gunned down while hundreds waited in fear. It's also because of the reaction from people I know and don't know -- everyone has an opinion and they want YOU to know about it ...
A relative made it an abortion issue: thousands of children are slaughtered every day in abortion clinics and rarely get a single word spoken for them. This person is a religious zealot so, I figured, she's in the minority (hopefully) along with the Westboro Baptist Church, which planned to picket the funerals.
Another commented the mentally ill should remember, when diving off the deep end, to kill themselves and not others ... don't think those individuals work that way.
Before I venture into Second Amendment talk, I hope this obsession with guns and the NRA (both pro and con) doesn't overshadow the need for mental health advocacy. To many people, the mentally ill are difficult to understand -- how someone can be so distraught they'd consider suicide. You've never felt that way so to keep from feeling uncomfortable you hope this person snaps out of it and goes back to normal. Come on, times are tough but buck up little camper. Mothers of mentally ill children, most likely, feel they failed their offspring because what's your first thought after Adam Lanza's rampage? His parents failed him. It's this mentality which makes the mentally ill uncomfortable with seeking help and makes parents uncomfortable with seeking help for their children. Typically the mentally ill need a support system if they are going to seek treatment/help and be successful. If they can't fathom confiding in their loved ones, how are they going to confide in a doctor and follow a treatment plan? The stigma needs to go away and psychiatric help needs to be less about co-pays and the good doctors being out of network, and more about helping those who need it most. Mental health needs to be less embarrassing. Yes, shame on his mother but considering she was an end-of-the-world stash-piling-weapons sorta gal, shame on the people who knew them for not intervening. Hindsight is 20-20.
If I told you I had breast cancer, how would you react? If I told you I was bipolar, how would you react? Or how about something less mainstream, like Aspergers? Your reaction is what needs to change in America.
Then there's the endless gun ranting, including proposing every teacher carry a handgun for protection -- which means a loaded handgun in each classroom (is this frightening to anyone else?) -- and expressing fear the government will take their guns away.
I think people who enjoy hunting are great, I am related to a hunter and love him dearly. There's something beautiful about providing for your family, something traditional and human. If you want to purchase a hunting rifle and, after going through a thorough background check and obtaining a license, then more power to you. However, no civilian should own a semiautomatic Bushmaster .223 rifle with a 30-round magazine -- the gun Adam Lanza used and the same gun involved in the D.C. sniper shootings. No civilian needs a semiautomatic killing device. No civilian needs a stockpile of ammunition. Two handguns and a shotgun were also recovered at Sandy Hook. You can be a responsible rifle owner and hunter or target shooter but I don't understand the logic of a responsible semiautomatic owner ... it's like me saying I'm a responsible rocket launcher owner. Why do I need a rocket launcher? Sure, maybe I like rocket launchers but I don't need one.
The Second Amendment was adopted December 15, 1791 -- a lot changed these 221 years.
Guns are designed to kill living, breathing animals and humans. You want to protect your own? The sound of a rifle cocking is enough to scare the most intelligent burglar away and, if not, the gun is locked and loaded. Government intrusion in your life is a frightening concept but, in most cases, needed because everyone is not as smart and stable as you think you are.
When I was young, my father taught me and my brother how to shoot a gun. It was a handgun and we practiced in our backyard. He didn't mouth off about gun rights, he didn't showcase this weapon as an extension of his manhood - he showed us how to use this device so we'd understand in case, heaven forbid, an intruder entered our home. He also held the demonstration so we'd be scared and understand the danger firsthand.
I understand what it means to be a responsible gun owner who doesn't hunt. My father, a raging Democrat bordering on the edge of liberal, has a gun in his home for protection. He doesn't have a Bushmaster .223 rifle or magazines for mass shooting. He has a small gun he keeps in a case. Why isn't that enough?
Even after writing, I didn't find answers. I don't feel less guilty or unnerved or helpless. If you agree with me, great. If you don't, that's OK too. I'm not a senator or congressman. I'm not in local government. I'm one of many who didn't die Friday. When it comes to random acts of violence, we are all survivors. No one is safe. Hopefully those in charge put aside their differences (fiscal cliff, hint hint), sit down, and talk. What are schools across America doing? They are reassessing safety protocols. Why shouldn't Congress reassess mental health and gun safety? I'm not giving answers -- I don't have any. A conversation needs to start now. Let's set aside preconceived notions and steadfast beliefs and look at mass murders. Look at gun laws and safety. Look at school safety. Look at mental health. Look to other countries for ideas and basis. People need to stop pretending (and most often believing) they have all the answers. No one does, not even the self-righteous NRA. Let's find some answers so Sandy Hook doesn't become the norm, so these teachers and children didn't die in vain.
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