Lindsay Lohan, Unpaid Chateau Marmont Bill, The Lohan-Kardashian Difference

Lindsay Lohan is trending on the Yahoo homepage again -- i.e. she spiraled further into chaos. When it comes to the ole gal, she's never in the news for something positive.
What's it this time, you ask? Well, well, well, lookie what we have here! Ms. Lohan was banned from the Chateau Marmont because she failed to pay $46,000 in unpaid charges. Well, $46,350.04 if you really wanna know. One may argue she was living in the hotel for two months (47 days), so it's natural she may rack up some charges. But $46K?
Let's go to the video tape! Her itemized bill, obtained by TMZ, includes a long list of charges, with the most juicy items being:
Minibar expenses -- $3,145.07 ($502.43 was charged on July 1 alone -- some party Linds! This ain't no Pitbull ho-tel, mo-tel, Holiday Inn!)
Cigarettes -- $686 (not surprising considering her lovely, goddess-like voice)
Chateau candle -- $100 (I don't know about you, but I get pissed when I'm at the grocery store and they're hawking those fancy, schmancy Yankee candles for $15. $100? No dice.)
One-time laundry charge -- $386.50 -- perhaps a special cigarette-ash-stain-release was needed.
Also included were gems like the June 24 room service charges of $389.87. For that kind of charge, I want more than food!
Part of me thinks she was extravagant in her spending (somewhere Suzie Orman's tears are falling into off-brand tissues), another part of me thinks this Chateau Marmont inflates their charges for items like tiny bottles of vodka and Parliament lights.
Luckily Lindsay was recently cleared from her latest jewelry heist charges so at least she's got that off her plate. Sigh. Can I start a Lindsay Lohan Death Pool (if there's not already one active)? I say by the end of 2014 she will be no longer with us. What say you? Extra credit for cause of death.
Now, I know what some of you are thinking ... lame post Vendetta! Yeah, Lindsay's a screw up. She's an easy celebrity target no longer worthy of blogposts, news articles, Entertainment Tonight segments. She needs to be sent to the glue factory! She's basically Kim Kardashian.
That's where I disagree. After a few vodka tonics, possibly followed by a couple sweet, sweet glasses of vino, I ventured into my King-sized bed, found the clicker, and ignited the soft glow of electric sex. What to my wondering eyes did appear? DirecTv had a movie I enjoyed -- "Mean Girls." Hooray! So, I turned that sucker on and was instantly reminded why I have a soft spot for ole Lindsay.
What a great movie! What an attractive girl! What an actress! No, she wasn't Meryl Streep, but who is? She's enjoyable, nice to look at -- what more do you want?
It's sad she spiraled into drugs, alcohol, theft and chaos. Kim Kardashian? She was thrust into fame because her dead daddy's well-known and she put out a sex tape with Ray-J. Kim Kardashian: Superstar was nothing and will never amount to anything aside from self-made drama, whorish clothing and dating non-white celebrities. Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame my ass.
I rest my case.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child: June "The Coupon Queen" Shannon is a bad mom, just check public record

Unless you've been hiding in your bunker with no access to Internet or television while awaiting the end of the Mayan calendar (tick tock, tick tock), you've heard of Honey Boo Boo child and her self-described redneck, mud-pit loving family -- aka Alana Thompson and the rest of the McIntrye, Ga. pack of animals, including mom, 33-year-old June Shannon. The clan is featured on TLC's popular "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," a spin off from Alana's time on the pedophilia gem, "Toddlers and Tiaras."
Maybe you watched an episode or two because it's a trendy show (new and improved Joker products to further brainwash Americans), maybe you are a reality show addict or you enjoy watching human train wrecks so you feel better about your pathetic life (like a chubby chick hanging with obese chicks so she feels thin) ... whatever the case, you Tweet, text, blog and post Facebook status updates about the horror of this trashy family but why oh why isn't anyone interested in mama June's rap sheet? Why isn't anyone calling Child Protective Services? Oh wait, they already called ...
Yeah. Rap sheet. Big mama June was arrested in January 2008 for contempt of court and theft -- charges were later dismissed. Word on the digital street is the theft is linked to child support payments -- she was the defendant in two cases (TLC should rename the show, "Three Kids, Three Dads"). Her current hubby, Mike "Sugar Bear" Thompson, is Alana's father but his swimmers don't reach to June's other two stunners. Maybe it's time I also reveal Mama June is a grandmother. Surprised? Probably not.
Sounds like some "People's Court" drama, doesn't it? June claims the contempt of court charge originated from a child support issue with her mom -- her 18-year-old daughter, Anna, was mostly raised by June's mother (considering June had Anna when she was around 15, it makes sense in that hillbilly, "16 & Pregnant" sorta way). As for the theft, it's unrelated and had nothing to do with her family, according to Big Mama Chins.
That's not enough to question her competence as a mother? Wait, there's more! Child Protective Services (CPS) was called to their home in March following a "Toddlers & Tiaras" episode where June fed Alana Go Go Juice. Sounds like Ron Ron Juice from "The Jersey Shore" doesn't it?" Yeah, well it's just as bad for you ... especially if you're a 7-year-old child. Go Go Juice is a mixture of Mountain Dew and Red Bull that had Alana spinning on the floor in circles. June feeds Alana the mixture so she performs well in beauty pageants because obviously that's critical.
How does the juice make Alana feel ... well she commented, "Go Go juice makes me laughy, and play-ey, and makes me feel like I want to pull my mommy's hair."
June admits she fed Alana the concoction but says it was a one-time occurrence. Yeah, right. If you're dumb enough to feed your child Red Bull and Mountain Dew, you're dumb enough to feed them a wide array of horrible concoctions. Also, on the show Alana downed the juice after consuming 15 bags of Pixy Sticks (aka Pageant Crack). Why else was CPS called to the home, you ask? Oh, well June often feeds her children roadkill.
You can't make this shit up.
Oh, and if that doesn't make you gag, a video surfaced on YouTube of Alana "Honey Boo Boo Child" dancing on a table in a dark room with colored lights in a college bar for dollars. Dancing on tables + dark room + colored lights + dolla dolla bills + bar = strip club. Am I right or am I right? June's reaction? She defended her daughter's actions by explaining Alana had been dancing in a college bar, not a sleazy one.
Step right up! Step right up and see the 7-year-old stripper folks! She's hyper, she's malnourished, she's Honey Boo Boo!
What's that sound? Pedophiles across the country licking their lips.
Oh, well obviously people aren't disgusted by any of this because no one is making a stink about June's rap sheet, the CPS visit or any of this nonsense.
According to June it's all good because a court-appointed attorney convinced the judge to throw the CPS case out. I have a hard time not letting my mind assume but ... could it be that TLC has a ratings-gem in "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" and wants to cash in on this cow of a family while they are all alive and well-ish? The show attracted 2.2 million viewers! Gotta make that dollar!
As for the people watching the show, they'd rather sit back, laugh and shake their heads in disgust than do anything productive.

Another Amanda Bynes traffic related offense: Are celebrities above the law?

Another day, another Amanda "Fender Bender" Bynes traffic related offense. I was confused about this latest offense -- hitting a car, assessing the damage, and leaving the scene without sharing her information (which is against California law) -- because little Ms. Bynes was charged with a DUI recently stemming from an April incident when she sideswiped a cop car (that's a classy move right there) and attempted to flee the scene ... so ... why isn't her license suspended? Especially since, after she was arrested, she Tweeted: "Hey @BarackObama... I don't drink. Please fire the cop who arrested me. I also don't hit and run. The end."
You don't drink? That's rich. You don't drink and Mitt Romney is a standup comedian. What planet do you live on?
I understand jail overcrowding but what about having her license suspended ... revoked ... you know, get her drunk ass off the road because she obviously doesn't belong there. Well ... we don't actually know if her poison starts and ends with alcohol because she refused a chemical test at the time of her arrest. Uppers, downers, ludes, angel dust, Mary Jane ... who knows.
What's the deal pickles? While confused over this latest offense, I'm even more confused when trying to figure out how many hit-and-runs Bynes committed.
According to TMZ, in the past six months she was arrested for DUI and accused of three hit-and-runs. Three! In addition, cops are accusing her of skipping out on them in March when they attempted to write her a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. Why didn't cops pursue her, you ask? Well, they felt she wasn't dangerous ... and she politely went to the police station later that day to sign the ticket. How nice of her. That would totally happen to a non-celebrity! Not.
So, why oh why does she still have her license? Why isn't she facing a mountain of fines and court-mandated rehab? What about a breathalyzer installed in her car? You know, things normal everyday people would face after having committed these acts! California could end the debt crisis!
Are celebrities above the law? Maybe not in terms of murder or drug trafficking, but DUI can lead to vehicular manslaughter so isn't that reason enough to make Amanda Bynes pay!?


Sept. 15, 2012 Update: Bynes was pulled over today and had her car impounded because she was driving on a suspended license. She was also pulled over Sept. 9 but let go with a warning.

Republican Rep. Todd Akin's big mouth: Legitimate Rape, Quick Judgements & Dropping Out of Races

More news to further segregate political parties recently hit as Republican Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri shared his colorful theories on abortion, rape and pregnancy. Growing up in a household with an old-school father, I smirk when older men comment on female things. If my dad brought up anything regarding my sex life I would pass out. If my dad blurted out a gem along the lines of Akin's baloney comment, I'd wonder if he was firing on all cylinders.

The comment heard across the world: "It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare. If it's a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." That whole thing being pregnancy. Is there a magical panic button on my vagina? Women are witches who will be burned at the stake for practicing uterine magic!
So, this science could be used in a courtroom when women accuse men of rape -- you weren't truly raped by Joe Smith because you got pregnant! It's science! It wasn't rape because your vagina knew you liked it and didn't lower the gates on the evil sperm! What doctors would these be? Dr. Nick from "The Simpsons?" Dr. Conrad Murray? Dr. Heiter from "The Human Centipede?" Dr. Philip Channard?
Liberals believe this is simply another absurd Republican ideology in a sea of women-bashing, affluence and evil. More ammunition for closed-minded, black-and-white rants -- he believes this and he's Republican so all Republicans must believe this. Let's all have a good laugh and go back to being liberal, whatever that means.

On the other side of the aisle, Republicans skipped over rants in favor of distancing themselves from Akin post haste and pushing him to drop out of the Senate race -- pushing with enough force to get the National GOP to pull funding. We are anti-abortion but we aren't morons. We are men and women of science and know how things work down there! God would never have done that and I would know because I read the Bible ... well I skimmed it ... sort of ...

Obviously voters were eager to hear the opinions of presidential hopeful Mitt Romney and President Barack "Four More Beers - Four More Years" Obama. Obama's commentary was expected considering his Pro-Choice stance and eagerness to bad-mouth Republicans.

As for Romney: "Congressman Akin's comments on rape are insulting, inexcusable, and, frankly, wrong. Like millions of other Americans, we found them to be offensive. I have an entirely different view. What he said is entirely without merit and he should correct it.”

Distance yourself without actually distancing yourself but remind us you're one of us. One mind, one Mitt.
Anyway, Akin apologized, saying he "misspoke" but won't drop out of the race so the black sheep is still holding on for dear life as the GOP motions to pull his life support plug.

Are Missourians so ridiculous they would still vote for the maniac or are Republicans instead scared, with a tight race, Akin and his legitimate rapes will be associated with their party because we live in a world of lazy voters who believe anything that falls in line with their way of thinking? 

There are numerous Republicans who oppose abortion even in the case of rape, incest or if the mother's life is in mortal danger. Romney believes abortion should only be allowed in these cases but wants to overturn Roe vs. Wade and stop funding Planned Parenthood. Is he afraid Akin's talk of women's issues will spotlight his stance, a stance he flip-flopped in the past? "I have an entirely different view" but won't share that at this moment in time.
Speaking of flip flopping, Romney's running mate, Rep. Paul Ryan, was formerly against abortion unless the mother was in mortal danger. Now, after Akin's blunder, Romney-Ryan released a statement they are OK with abortion only when it involves rape, incest, mortal danger to mom.
Flip flopping like a fish on the beach.

With the 2012 presidential race, I feel like I am attempting to buy a house but the slicky boy, pushy salesman will only talk in generalities and show me out of focus pictures of the property. He won't let me see the house for myself -- he keeps coming up with excuses. He won't give me specifics -- he keeps saying he'll get back to me with the numbers and changes the subject with words like fantastic, beautiful and majestic (he's telling me everything I want to hear). With this in mind, we're given two homes -- Barack Obama and Mitt Romney -- and we are told to pick one. Who are these men and what are their views -- what news outlet should we believe? What are their plans? No one seems to know but you have to pick come November! I say, choose the lesser of evils and don't forget to vote Congressmen into power who aren't absurdly ridiculous because it's not all about the presidency when it comes down to fixing America.

Let's Go Back in Time & Give Our Younger Selves the Low Down on Life, The Universe & Everything

Have you seen your younger self in the form of a random adolescent? Maybe he or she was walking down the street, maybe they casually perused overpriced merchandise at the mall or were standing in line at a movie theater to see Arnold Schwarzenegger vigorously bust a vein ...
Whatever the case, you slow your roll and notice a sliver of yourself in them. Perhaps it's their style of dress or speech or the company they keep and it gives you the urge to march over and share your wisdom, all your deep secrets on life, the universe and everything: none of this will matter 10+ years from now -- these people, these places, this drama. Study hard so you can get a damn job and don't sweat the small stuff.
However, your gut-reaction is halted by the knowledge the adolescent won't care what you say. There's no way to understand until you've gone through it and, frankly, you're some random "old" stranger to them. Stranger danger! This person isn't my mom! Help!
From time to time, you suddenly wake and reality smacks you hard in the face: you're older and hardly recognize yourself and your life. Who are you? What are you doing? What are you wearing? Look at those wrinkles! You stress, have a brief psycho-billy freak out and then return to the foggy chaos of living instead of planning to live.
Do you wish upon a star to travel back in time to stop your younger self from doing something or thinking a certain way like Marty McFly? Joe, whatever you do, don't date Sally! She'll break your heart into a million pieces and then set those pieces aflame because she's a stone-cold monster! Or you wish to do it all over again now you have it all figured out because hindsight is 20-20. Well, you can't. So, get over it already because even if you could go back in time you'd probably screw up the time continuum and end up screwing up your life even worse -- Cynical 101.
Back to reality. What strikes me about seeing my younger self the other day -- some chunky chick walking down the street on a hot summer day yet wearing a sweater to hide her bulk while desperately trying to impress some useless thug (sigh) -- was human beings often believe their hardships are unique. Their negative feelings and circumstances are separate from the rest of the universe. No one has ever felt the way I feel about you. Barf. This isn't to say everyone is not unique overall but it's important to remember there are always people out there with greater hardships, greater sadness. Whatever happens to you -- heartbreak, depression, anxiety, poverty -- it's been done before. You aren't the only person in the world feeling the way you do.

Chick-fil-A, gay people and your stomach: Part 2 of America's obsession with Jesus Christ and fast-food

I wrote a post Jan. 31, 2011, entitled "Chick-fil-A, gay people and your stomach" after news hit about a Harrisburg, Pa. Chick-fil-A donating food to a marriage seminar offered by one of the state's leading anti-gay organizations, causing an uproar to spread like hellfire across the United States. Chick-fil-A's response (keeping in mind this occurred during the hot-hot-heat of gay marriage and Don't Ask Don't Tell)? A video uploaded to their Facebook fan page about how they value all people. Lame lame, we know your name!
Guess who's back, back again? Chick-fil-A's back, tell a friend. Oh wait, you don't have to tell a friend because everyone is up in arms with more spit and vinegar and passive aggressive hatred than this blubbering cynic can handle.
Turns out Chick-fil-A does not value all people as earlier suggested. They regret the error, not.
Genesis: On July 16, 2012, an online Southern Baptist publication quoted Chick-fil-A Prez Dan Cathy, whose family owns the fast-food chain, saying he endorses “the biblical definition of the family unit.” Ah yes, man + woman. Then, my friends, the shit hitteth the fan. Liberals (especially mayors across the country) went on tirades about boycotting Chick-fil-A while conservatives encouraged everyone to frequent the chains -- to literally eat mor chikin.
A Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day was held Aug. 1, 2012, where conservatives dined on greasy chicken, waffle fries and gay hatred, setting a one-day sales record for the fast-food chain. Will these people flock come November to vote for conservative robot Mitt Romney? Perhaps. What about the folks flocking to Kiss In Day at Chick-fil-A today (Aug. 3, 2012) for National Same-Sex Kiss Day (I saw enough of that last night in an old episode of "Workaholics"). So, what's the deal, pickles? Homosexuals plan to kiss their loved ones outside of the fast-food chain's outlets, take pictures of said liplock, and post these gems on social media sites so everybody knows Chick-fil-A's bird ain't the word.
Organizers of Kiss In Day say: We want to "show Chick-fil-A that everyone deserves to be able to fall in love, start a family, and take their children to eat fried chicken after a soccer match." Isn't that what America is about? Love, sports and fried chicken! I played a lot of sports growing up and always went to Dairy Queen afterwards. Dairy Queen ... Queen ... Queens ... Gays. Hmm. Maybe I'm secretly a gay man.
Anyway, it's an election year and politicians are ever hungry for votes, no matter what month, so they've gotta take a stance! Yay or nay to fried chicken!?
So, are we talking gay marriage or high-calorie takeout? America is obsessed with Jesus Christ and fast food -- how pathetic. Was this a sales gimmick by Chick-fil-A because, if it was, bingo bango it worked!
Whatever the case, this go around -- in comparison to 2011 -- has garnered further interest from me as I've noticed something petty. People on Facebook are posting photos of themselves in line at Chick-fil-A or cryptic posts such as, "Am proud to eat at Chick-fil-A" or "Picking up Chick-fil-A for dinner tonight." So, instead of writing "I hate gay people" or "Gay people make me uncomfortable" they post passive aggressive b.s. Wimps for posting nonsense online without face-to-face confrontation and wimps for posting passive aggressive hate.
This isn't my whole beef with this circus. The whole beef, and nothing but the beef, so help me God. For all you people out there hot and bothered about Chick-fil-A being anti-gay (which isn't news. The Cathy's have been quite clear about their conservative views for a long time), are you planning to boycott all establishments with anti-gay views? What about the conservatives shoving fried chicken down their throats as if Jesus commanded it (11th Commandment: Thou shall eat bland fried chicken!), what about pro-gay liberal establishments? You gonna boycott them?
Oh wait, you aren't because those establishments aren't in the spotlight right now and you're too lazy and apathetic to go the distance. It's easier to write your Facebook posts, Twitter updates, and eat at an establishment you already frequent or stop eating there altogether. Easy peezy. Chick-fil-A, anti-gay, hooray, let's go eat KFC!
Yes, Americans are obsessed with Jesus Christ but I think Americans are more obsessed with the act of being obsessed, of being outraged, of bitching and moaning, of exercising our Freedom of Speech right until we are blue in the face ... of getting it our way, right away, at Burger King or anywhere. We fall in line and follow the leader because we want to be part of the crowd and we crave attention. Isn't that what it's all about? Don't we all strive for celebrity status? Don't leave me behind! Read my Facebook post, pay attention to me, listen to what I have to say because I'm right, you're wrong. If I don't post updates then everyone will forget about me and if everyone forgets about me than I don't exist. Right? I have a Twitter account and Facebook so I'm a celebrity now? I have 31 followers!
Take a stance, people will agree or disagree. Don't take a stance, people will think you don't care. Stop worrying about what other people think: priceless. If you want change, eating at Chick-fil-A or not eating at Chick-fil-A is not the way. Donate your time, energy and hard-earned money to something more fulfilling -- volunteer work, being there emotionally for family and friends, donating to help cure diabetes since America is apparently pigging out on fried chicken, ya know, productive things.