Bah humbug

After writing a feature story on Hanukkah and discovering it's not about eight crazy nights of presents and dreidels but celebrating religious freedom and a revolution, my thoughts turned to the holidays.

The holidays – the “season” from late November to the New Year -- have turned into a stressful, monstrous jerk.

Take Thanksgiving – instead of pilgrims sitting at a wooden table with Native Americans sharing a meal with fresh maize in the middle of a beautiful, vibrant forest (which I doubt happened but whatever) and celebrating the harvest from Mother Earth and diversity, the holiday is devoted to gluttony and Black Friday specials.

One or two unlucky saps stuck in a kitchen for hours, cooking fat laden foods so their family can shove it down their throats and watch a football game or parade. Do people consider what they are thankful for longer than the seconds it takes to think of something after someone (often the “jerk”) says “let's go around the table and say what we're thankful for” and they blurt out a generic response because they're more focused on digging into a 2,000+ calorie feeding and unbuttoning their pants later (or maybe they planned and are donning their “fat” pants) and vegetate? Does anyone feel “thankful” that day? Not forced thankfulness that is focused on for seconds, while everyone around the table says why they're thankful, hopefully not “stealing” you're answer.

It's sad when you need a national holiday to remind you once a year to be thankful.

Take Christmas – which starts earlier and earlier every year (even Christmas in July). Most people obsessed with Christmas celebration aren't practicing Christians (the holiday is supposed to be about Jesus after all), so the whole thing reminds me of gay people wanting to get married in a church. Why do you want to get married in a place where your lifestyle is considered evil? Why do you want to celebrate a holiday you don't believe? These people believe, instead, in their homes covered in blinding bulbs and plastic reindeer, in Santa Claus, miracles and snowmen. They believe in knickknacks, plum pudding, mistletoe and Christmas songs. But what about Jesus? This is not a sermon. It's hilarious that Christmas evolved into a worship of money, gifts, food and a fat old man instead of a Christian holiday. As for me, I believe in Willie from "Bad Santa."

Excess clouds the mind and takes the focus away from the roots of the holiday – togetherness and love -- and, instead, the spotlight shines on buying gifts at a crowded shopping mall you can't afford on Black Friday for people and family, most of whom you don't even like, or waiting until the day before Christmas to make a mad dash on your laptop and pay about $50 in express shipping charges. It's about gaining 15 pounds in your gut after overloading on green bean casserole, Christmas cookies, pumpkin pie and dead bird, and running around like a chicken with its head cut off and not enjoying the moments ... no wonder people drink so much from late November, throughout the merry month of December, and especially on New Year's (after they realize their resolutions from last year were forgotten after half a month and will be again).

I'm not Scrooge or the grim reaper coming to snatch your holiday bliss. I want people, including myself, to slow down. It's hard with commercials and advertisements rudely staring at you nonstop, and the deep set need to provide for your family, but just shut up.

I am not advocating locking yourself in your home, disconnecting from the world and hibernating until after Jan.1, when the annual Apocalypse ends. I don't want you to go against what you believe.

Simply your holidays. Quit filling moments with your loved ones by Googling on your laptop (stuff you wouldn't have Googled in the first place if you didn't have your finger on the pulse of the Internet 24/7) or texting on your Blackberry. Instead of being swept away to the land of holiday food, decorations, fancy clothes, parties, gifts, and using your "good" china ... focus on the people, the memories, the conversations and moments you share with your relations (like it or not) and the ones you love. Don't worry about buying the perfect present or baking the perfect turkey or hosting the perfect holiday party because, if you do, you'll miss it – you'll miss life, and any way, these holidays have become so consumer driven. Fight back! Take your holidays back from Hallmark, retail stores and Black Friday bargains and don't look at your empty wallet or embarrassing credit debt, that's not going to be important when you're 6 feet under.