Forgiveness: Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?

I saw a sign and it opened up my eyes.
"If you refuse to forgive others, God will not forgive your sins."
This small, rectangular black sign with white lettering is stuck in the front yard of an old farm house. No chapel in sight. Instead of sighing at the religious rhetoric and continuing on my sinful day of me, me, me, followed by me, the wheels in my pickled brain began turning like the wheels in the sky.
Religious or not, have you ever been in a life or death situation, or a dangerous or sticky situation? Similar to a lifeline on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire," your mind turns to one person. God. You pray to God ...
I know I haven't been the best Christian but if you let me live (or if you save me from this looming negative thing) I promise to go to church and stop drinking so much. I'll be nicer to my jerk of a sister, I'll floss, I'll say my prayers, I'll volunteer at the homeless shelter, I'll donate money to the humane society ...
Blah blah blah. It’s like you’re Frank Lopez in "Scarface" begging for your life -- never understood how he was a Jewish, Yiddish speaking gentleman with a Latino last name. Instead of What Would Jesus Do, we wonder What Does God Want because we are turning tricks for salvation. Lucky for you, you pick a card in the game of "Life" and it says: God flipped a coin. You're saved. First order of business, take back your promises like a jelly-belly on day three of a fad diet. God is who we turn to when the shit hits the fan but when the fan is cleaned of shit we promptly return to faithless, free-thinking ways because why go through life obsessed with our predestined demise? You don’t dedicate your life to Travelocity, obsessively planning a trip you may never take because what’s the point?
Maybe it's because this presidential election was filled with hateful rants, arguments and opposition. Maybe it's because the holidays are looming over our heads like a black cloud -- a time to think of others, be thankful and generous, and be subjected to mind-numbing, sugar-coated, manufactured Christmas music. Whatever the underlying causes, forgiveness is an enduring topic.
In your many years upon Earth, at least one person has hurt your feelings and you have held a grudge at least one time – this is a safe bet to place. Get my ass to Vegas! Maybe it's filed under ancient history or the scars are still fresh and oozing with grief. Was it a comment someone made? A cruel remark or laugh at your expense? Maybe it was an action -- sleeping with your wife or stealing money from your wallet. Does time heal all wounds? If so, how much time are we talking?
Maybe, like me, you forgive but you don't forget. Is that sinful? Will God forgive us but not forget our sins? Is that good enough for God? Why do we expect others to forgive us while we have a hard forgiving others? Do human beings have the ability to forget about an experience or situation after forgiving someone, even subconsciously?
Do you hold on to anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge? You know, the perfect situation where you make that person feel exactly how they made you feel because wouldn't that make it all better? Wouldn't you be satisfied?
Odds are you won't, you'll be worse off, but how can we forgive? What's the point of forgiving terrible people who continuously walk all over us? Shouldn't we remember what they did? Can people change significantly?
Remember those 1-800-Collect commercials in the '90s with the old man who'd plead, "Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?" It's unhealthy and dangerous to believe in the Lifetime movie, Guideposts, happy ending image of forgiveness. It's not easy. Life and people are not perfect, ever. I don't think of forgiveness as, the old man said, finding it in my heart to forgive someone then going back to how things were prior to the scuffle.
I haven't stayed in touch with many classmates, aside from social media. So, when they resurface, whether it's in person or through a Facebook friend request, I find it hard to keep my thoughts from returning to years past.
Not too long ago an old schoolmate sent me a friend request. I haven't seen this person since high school graduation and we weren’t what I’d consider friends in school. Although it's been a decade, I couldn't help but remember how this person treated me in school -- the constant ridicule, the embarrassment, the name calling and laughter. I accepted this treatment and stopped putting effort into my clothing and style. I became an angry person and withdrew from friendships and relationships. What's the point when you've been crowned a big, fat, loser?
This is what came to my mind when I saw the name on my computer screen. Did I friend this person? No. I'm sure they've changed over the years and became less of a dream-crusher but I don't care to give them access to my life, even in the superficial form of Facebook. Do I resent them? No. Do I have a revenge plan formulated, thumb-tacked to my bedroom wall like in every episode of Law & Order: SVU? No. I hope this person is happy and learned to become a better person than the one I knew in high school because, like holding grudges, cruelty isn’t healthy.
You see, forgiveness isn't about me friending this person and turning our history into a Lifetime film. Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. I don't have time to worry about the people who wronged me because nothing will be solved. I am living my life and focused on putting the spotlight on the positive because those are the people, places and things that deserve my attention.
Forgiveness isn't about denying responsibility to guilty parties. That person in high school, as well as many people throughout my schooling years (obviously I wasn’t captain of my cheerleading squad and Homecoming Queen), hurt me – no doubt in my mind. My forgiveness doesn't minimize or justify the wrongs. Over the years I’ve forgiven people but not excused their actions because that’s not forgiveness, that’s forced forgetfulness.