On Friday, Nov. 16, 2012, Twinkie "Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling" Hostess went to be with the Lord. The urban legend of immortality was a lie. He was 82.
He was born in 1930, in Schiller Park, Illinois, the son of James Alexander Dewar, a baker for the Continental Baking Company. His childhood featured a filling of banana cream until World War II when rationing forced Twinkie to be filled with vanilla cream. In his 50s, during a mid-life crisis of sorts, Twinkie experimented with strawberry filling but soon returned to his vanilla roots. He would be vanilla until his death.
He is survived by his various cousins, especially Wonder Bread and Ring Ding, who he was close with later in life.
A memorial service will be held at 4:20 p.m. Saturday, Nov. 17, at 7-11 convenience stores across the United States.
In lieu of flowers, memorial contributions may be made to Stoners For Jesus Inc.
I've been on a diet since the beginning of June. Oh, wait. I'm not supposed to say that. Diet is a dirty birdy word. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. So, let me clear my throat and try again. (This is when you imagine me, in my mother's basement, clearing my throat in a room lit only by the electric glow of my computer screen.) Ah hem. Since the beginning of June, I've made significant changes to my lifestyle, specifically sustenance-based because, when you boil it down, I am fueling the most expensive vehicle I'll ever own, my body. Why should I expect my vehicle to run smoothly if I fuel it with unwholesome filth?
This brings me to the hot topic of today. No, not the violence in Gaza. No, not Gen. David Petraeus (speaking of dirty birdies) testifying about Benghazi. No, not the fiscal cliff or the four people who died, and 17 injured, when a freight train plowed into a parade float carrying wounded veterans. I'm not even talking about the popularity of Black Ops 2. I'm talking Twinkies. I'm talking Wonder Bread, Ring Dings, Devil Dogs, Coffee Cake, Fruit Pies. I'm talking HoHos, Beefsteak rye bread and Sunbeam. Love the Drake, hate the Drake -- many people are saddened today when news hit Hostess Brands is filling for bankruptcy.
Insert fat guy joke here -- maybe involving his shock when the news hits, followed by moments of panic before (flight or fight!) fleeing to the closest store to stock up on his favorites (then imagine the day he's gone through his stash and holds in his hand the last Twinkie. His sadness is Lifetime made-for-TV-movie worthy.)
Anyway, what interested me most about this news was the reasoning behind the bankruptcy. Obama-haters will quickly reply it's the economy stupid and Obama is causing Americans to lose jobs instead of gain jobs like he promised.
You made promises, promises, Knowing I'd believe. Promises, promises, You knew you'd never keep! (Wouldn't it be funny if you could treat politicians like you'd treat a cheating lover. Get all up in Obama's face with your pointer finger drawing the letter S in the sky as you rip into him. Jerry! Jerry!)
Anyway, not-so-fast -- Hostess reached a contract agreement with its largest union, the International Brotherhood of Teamsters (sounds like a roller derby team for a secret society -- bet their uniforms are creepy!), recently but thousands of members in its second-biggest union went on strike late last week after rejecting a contract in September offering cut wages and benefits. Hostess CEO Gregory Rayburn warned employees he would file for bankruptcy if they didn't return to work (maybe a threat, maybe not) because production was below normal and their profit margin was very thin. They didn't return, sales were lost and cash flow was low so he closed the doors on an iconic empire. Although, it's being reported a lot of the turmoil over cash flow is due to big bonuses given to Twinkie big wigs (which makes me think of a Twinkie wearing a wig, which makes me laugh). Shame shame, we know your name!
Anyway, Mr. Twinkie (Rayburn) gave this reason: the industry is overcapacity. Think about your grocery store: the bread and snack food aisles -- classic staples in most American carb-and-sugar-obsessed households. How many different types of bread can you buy? It's outrageous. Whole wheat, whole grain, white, all natural, organic, rye, fiber enriched, oat bran, buns, rolls, Texas toast ... the brands and options are endless. In the snack food aisles, the goodies are endless. The industry is saturated with options because every few months there's a hot item -- pomegranate and pumpkin flavoring, low fat, low calorie, no saturated fat, quinoa, chipolte, all natural ... companies need to stay on top of the changing of the times and grocery stores want a big selection. It's overwhelming.
As for Twinkies, Americans in all shapes and sizes are troubled because Hostess (not to mention its various brands) is a symbol for joy and childhood. Maybe you haven't had a Twinkie or a piece of Wonder Bread in years but it's a household name and when someone takes away an item that's been a part of your life forever ... well ... that's troubling. They might as well kick your dog! However, don't blame it on the economy or some underpaid striking workers. Blame it on the over saturation of mass-produced, factory made, American food. You don't believe me? Cracker Jack just announced a new ingredient ... caffeine!
As for me, I haven't eaten a Twinkie or Ding Dong or King Kong or Kim Jong-il or whatever for ... I can't remember. Growing up I was an oatmeal cream pie gal. Nowadays, when I hunger for sweetness, I prefer something fresh and homemade because desserts aren't staples, they are luxuries, so why not make sure it's delicious and not made with chemicals (did you know Twinkies have beef fat in them? Sodium stearoyl lactylate -- I don't even know what this is!)? When Twinkies were born in 1930, they were unleashed on a thinner America, an America with less snack foods, soda and junk food filling our shopping carts. Less preservatives and chemicals injected into our bloodstreams. An America without an obsession with reality television and video games. We can't handle unhealthy foods which, in turn, over saturates the market because companies know we are hungry for carbs and sugar. It's an addiction like alcohol and cigarettes. They are cheap and easy to mass produce so that's a bingo as Hans Landa would say.
Although ... I don't know Rayburn so I can't say for sure but wouldn't it be interesting if he staged this whole thing? You know, took advantage of the protesting and cried bankruptcy so America would freak out and beeline to the snack shelves. We didn't want it before but now there's news we can't have it so we want it bad!
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