I had too much weekend. Not as in I was a crazed booze-hound, although I did have a healthy amount of white wine, but I indulged too much. Blame it on the Easter weekend "holiday" (don't we always blame overeating on holidays as if Christmas or Baby Jesus made you eat 37 sugar cookies?) but there was eating out, tacos, pizza, chocolate cake, Easter dinner, late-night ice cream and popcorn (This is why doctors always say to keep a food diary because as I'm writing down all the shit I ate I feel really guilty) and perhaps some Easter candy -- no one can help but savagely rip the ears off the big Easter bunnies and smile wide with chocolate covered teeth. Grr! All sounded fabulous at the moment prior to consumption, as well as during consumption and right after consumption but here I sit Monday morning attempting to veer off the road of over indulgence back onto the golden route of dieting bliss.
Although I backtracked over the weekend and must make up for that, today is a new day and I will finally take this diet seriously and slim down in time for summer! Make it a life change and start eating more sensibly and drinking plenty of water because water is the life force of our bodies. I must (which makes me think of Margaret from Judy Blume's "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret" who chanted, "I must, I must, I must increase my bust!" as an attempt to keep from being president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee for the rest of her life) but I must get plenty of sleep so I'm not tired and therefore hungry because my body needs fuel and to be recharged. Think of your body as a car, a car needs fuel and to be maintained to run properly.
Yeah right ...
Is this what most people do? Go on these whirlwind diets where we cheat at least once a week? It makes me think of those impossible-bodied celebrities who say, when interviewed, "oh I just have good metabolism and eat whatever I want!" "My favorite foods are pizza, nachos and beer!" Tee hee hee, I'm America's sweetheart! Barf.
I know you're lying. Just tell America you eat extremely healthy and work out everyday hardcore for at least three hours. Don't tease us with your b.s. so we think we could look just like you. Show us it takes sacrifice and dedication, something most of us don't have in the extreme amounts needed. I know you have your agent whispering in your ear sweet nothings to make you say this or that so everyone thinks you are such a sweetheart and, in turn, goes out and watches your unoriginal bullshit, ripoff movie or TV show or whatever your hustle is at the moment, but you are messing with peoples minds and that is messed up.
Everyone is on a diet of some sort except for those portly fools who just don't give a damn and would rather die with a last spoonful of Half Baked Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream softly caressing their lips. mmmmm At least they will die with a full stomach and a slap happy smile on their chocolate covered faces.
But here I sit on the 1,000th Monday morning trying to detox my weekend overindulgence and follow the well-known diet tricks, i.e. drink plenty of water throughout the day so you don't confuse hunger with thirst and make breakfast the biggest meal of the day (Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a pauper, and dinner like a peasant). Here I sit with a plan to workout every day at the gym by doing cardio for 45 minutes and strength training, maybe more if I'm feeling randy. Here I sit with a plan to eat a set amount of calories each day with no snacking after dinner. Here I sit frustrated this keeps happening over and over again, I keep back tracking over and over again, I keep having the same inner monologue over and over again because although currently I know I have to make up for the eating I did over the weekend before even getting to those 10+ pounds I want to lose on top of that, even with this in mind I know I will slip up again. I know I can not eat one tablespoon (serving) of peanut butter without eating half the jar. I know this. I know snacking after dinner is my biggest problem.
Guilty as charged, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
I know when the weekend comes around, if I can get through the week without "cheating" (which makes me feel so guilty each time, no wonder people refer to it as "cheating"), I will be faced with overindulgence opportunities that will stare me down and laugh hysterically! Eat me! Drink me! I will make you feel so good! (For some reason I picture them sounding like the Vietnamese prostitute in "Full Metal Jacket").
There are a few things at play with dieting but the main ones are in the media women (that's not to say men don't worry about dieting and seeing their wives and girlfriends drool over heart throbs with ridiculous six packs on TV and in movies and wonder if they will ever compare) but in the media women are beautiful and done up with makeup and great hair and they have beautiful bodies and us wives and girlfriends look at them, look at our other halves staring at them, and go, "well, that's what I'm supposed to look like." It's not like men self-pleasure to photos of fatties or ugly women, unless you're into that and, if you are, good for you! The celebrated body images across magazines, TV, movies and porn are thin, big breasted, long haired women with beautiful teeth, beautiful big eyes, clear skin and bright smiles. The men are not so important. Sometimes they are very good looking but, more often than not, they look like normal Joe Everymen with soft bodies and thinning hair. It's not as important as having a hot leading lady for men across the world to fantasize about. They just wash their face, keep that 5 o'clock shadow and gel their hair back and they are good to go!
Also, when being faced with temptation, as in a jar of reduced fat Skippy Peanut Butter or a large meatlovers pizza deluxe from my local shop, it's easy to say to yourself, "just have one spoonful or one piece and it will be fine" or "you deserve something cheeky to eat because you've had a tough day at work or a long week" or whatever bullshit your delusional mind creates when attempting to find any excuse. You are quick to forget the inner monologue of regret and trying to get back on your diet, as in the one I am facing now, because, to be honest, it f-ing sucks. I don't feel like going to the gym today, especially not everyday this week. I know I will feel great afterwards and after a few days I will have more energy and feel better overall but wah wah I don't wanna go!
Maybe I should just start cutting out pictures of models from my "Cosmopolitan" magazines and glue them to my refrigerator and food items around the house. Maybe that will work!
No comments:
Post a Comment