I was sitting in my living room a little before 2 p.m. Tuesday, hunched over my laptop screen, working on a book review. My thoughts were inward, as is the way with writers ...
If this the right word? It doesn't sound right. It sounds awkward. What am I trying to say?
God, I want a snack. Mmm ... those crackers in the kitchen are low fat, right? Aren't writers supposed to snack while they work. Drink too. No, shut up. You don't need a snack or a drink.
I need to finish this rough draft and then hit the gym and come back and look at it one more time before submitting.
Ugh. The gym. Maybe if I don't go it'll be OK ... but, wait, I can't do it tomorrow because I have to work. Excuses, excuses. Supermodels don't make excuses. They starve with smiles on their stupid, perfect faces. Well then I have to ...
Somewhere between these meaningless thoughts and my furious typing, I felt the sofa beneath me sway like I was on a ferris wheel at the very top. Side to side. Back and forth. I felt the house move. The sound, that weird sound of a house stretching, of the ground beneath me moving -- the sweet Earth I've always counted on for support -- was uncanny. It was like somebody finally told me Santa wasn't real.
In a silent, alert and freaked out reaction I stood up and ran to the doorway.
My first thought -- this is a terror attack. We are under attack. They finally did it, those bastards. I waited for a flash or bright light. Sounds of bombs falling. Possibly a siren like during World War II (a lot of my emergency experience comes from movies). Something, anything. Nothing came.
But this can't be a earthquake because the East Coast doesn't get earthquakes! I'll admit I cried from fear -- yeah you West Coast earthquake connoisseurs, go ahead and laugh it up!
Then it stopped -- those seconds that felt like minutes screeched to a halt. Mother Nature wins again by reminding us we are at her mercy. Earthquakes out of the blue, a monstrous hurricane rumbling up the coast -- although it doesn't sound ferocious with the name Irene. Tricky, tricky! Mother Nature always wins. No fair!
My first thought -- ashamed because when I thought it was terrorism my life didn't flash before my eyes. Isn't that supposed to happen? You know, telling God you love your family and thanking Him and praying for help. Telling Him you'll do better or be a better person -- maybe stop drinking, swearing and being a complete slut. Or maybe come to terms with your demise and reminiscing on the highlight reel of your existence. Considering the earthquake lasted mere seconds, there wasn't enough time to jump-start that mechanism.
Second thoughts -- I hope my loved ones are OK emotionally and physically. How Hallmark of me!
I turned on my local news to find out what was going on -- which is equivalent to the old days when people walked outside their homes and talked to neighbors. After the weatherman shared pointless tidbits I could have Googled in seconds, he turned the camera over to a man-on-the-street reporter who questioned an interesting skeleton of a woman about her experience. When she mentioned she was "so scared I had to go out and have a cigarette afterwards," I wondered. Are we really this stupid or are we desensitized -- or a bit of both?
If you don't agree with me, just sign on to Facebook or Twitter and read the responses to the earthquake, which are humorous and, at the same time, depressing.
"It wasn't an earthquake. It was our forefathers rolling over in their graves."
Also see, "that was no earthquake, it was Obama's approval rating hitting the floor" and "Obama is naming the epicenter of the earthquake, Bush's Fault."
Perhaps some "I Survived the Quake of '11" T-shirts? Or an Earthquake Party ... what would that entail? Maybe imbibe in some looting in your hometown.
What about the people who wondered when the tsunami was coming since that's what happened in Japan.
Or maybe we should all get to church for prayer, reflection and confession since it's the End of Days. It was an act of God due to our sinful and disgusting ways. Just ask the homophobic rabbi, Yehuda Levin, who commented, "One of the reasons that God brings earthquakes to the world is because of the transgression of homosexuality. The Talmud states, 'You have shaken your male member in a place where it doesn't belong. I too, will shake the Earth.'"
Oooo shake your money maker you sinful beasts and God will shake back with force!
Also see, Joseph Farah, editor of WorldNetDaily.com, who said, "Washington, D.C., deserves more than the wallop it got today. It needs a much bigger shaking up than it got. And I have no doubts that it is coming -- unless there is a real change of heart in the leadership of this country. After all, if America doesn't face judgment soon, God will have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. And God doesn't offer apologies. He is trying to tell us something. His message is very clear. Don't say you weren't warned."
Now I know ancient civilizations believed God was behind natural forces, including earthquakes and storms, but this was because they didn't know better ... so, come on now, you're reaching. If God was so mad about homosexuality, don't you think He'd do something more specific and damaging? Yes, I believe in signs but you can't go around believing everything is a sign to aid in your ridiculous beliefs.
Ooooo there's a bird outside my window! It's a message from God and He is trying to tell me to leave work right now and go do whatever I want because birds are free to roam Earth and soar from the heavens on wings of grace, just like I should be! Right? Maybe I should go up on the roof and jump like Eric in "The Boy Who Could Fly." What a great movie ...
Anyway, some people believe 2012 is upon us and the earthquake was a tap on the shoulder, a hint to our future destruction. Looky looky what I can do! There's more where that came from! Wink, wink. Or it wasn't God, it was aliens sucking up our natural resources before they suck out our brains and make us slaves.
I'll take shaping today's events to serve as evidence for our personal beliefs, biases and values for $2,000 Alex. Oh I picked a Daily Double?! Excuse me while I dry heave.
I know some people were joking, trying to get some likes on their Facebook page. But, as for the others, really?
Why are we so narrow minded to believe everything backs us up. Yeah, you can shape every situation and happening to back up your beliefs -- whether it's God's rage, aliens, politics, whatever. But isn't that a bit ridiculous?
How about using the earthquake as a reminder Mother Nature is bigger, badder and meaner than us all. I was in an earthquake Tuesday and have a hurricane barreling down on my lovely home. Mother Nature 2, Kate 0. I don't rule this planet or any planet for that matter. I can pollute the air with my automobile, take my non-biodegradable trash to the dump, promote big business by shopping at malls and big box stores ... but I'm never going to win because a hurricane, tsunami, earthquake or some other natural disaster could take it all away in mere seconds. This has nothing to do with Democrats or Republicans, the end of the world, aliens, homosexuality or Obama ... it has to do with humans and how we aren't dominate. Earth can kick our ass any day of the week and there's nothing we can do about it because we suck at her teet every second of the day, breathing the air, drinking the water, eating the food.
Or, maybe it really was aliens. Beam me up Scotty, there's no sign of intelligent life here.
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